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So, I watched that bio series on the Crime and Investigation channel. And I was.. blown away.

That woman's illness, her extreme moodswings.. those happy peaks, periods where she would just break down and sob uncontrollably over nothing at all, those violent outbursts.. paranoia..

And I thought. It was just a normal phase of life.

Part of me is wishing right now.. wishing that I indeed have inherited this disorder from my family. I'm not a horrible person, blame it on those chemical reactions controlling my life. I'm a perfectly likable child, it's just this disorder screwing things up for me.

It's not my fault. It's not.
...I'm pathetic.

So yeah, I'm really going crazy in my head right now. Tested the waters with someone about it. This morning. But from the reply I got, I realized that no one would take it seriously. Then again, who would?

I'm worried, man.

I've been quite easily irritated since young, and it has been developing ever since. Now I'm hurting people.

I'm kinda worried about my future. I don't want to graduate and grow up, just to lose control and kill someone, then go to jail, you know.

Have been keeping it under control with some effort. But it's really hurting the crap out of my heart. I'm obsessive. Jealous. There were times where I just felt like running over and grabbing that collar, then yelling in that face : " Stop hindering me! "

And there's also times where the teeniest negative comment will leave me depressed for days.

I dunno.

Almost wanted to walk out of this place and find the truth. Maybe I'll seek out some psychiatrist, ...maybe?

I'm tired. I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep. And I will do it. Now. ):