arrr

tired ahhh.

it'll be easy to just write everything off as depression and give up.
but i cannot just keep on running away

too attached to things i shouldnt be attached to |:

burning bridges everywhereeeee

oh my

havent been updating...

life's going okay.
been day dreaming a lot; since fusion ended, i think.
Always dreaming about the exact same thing, for 6 whole months.
Maybe that's what I really want in life. I don't know.
For an artist, it's kind of terrifying to see that my craft totally had no stand in my desired lifestyle.

It's not that I haven't been looking for opportunities. Gave up the moment I gave myself a chance to fight for it. I don't know. Lol.

I love art, but I don't like the art industry...
Maybe someday I'll end up doing something that I'm able to roll with ;/
I'm sure there's a comfortable spot for me somewhere.

I don't like this job enough to list it under my profile, but I won't quit just yet. Love the people, hate the stress. Gonna try my best to finish up this 1 year. 2012 July 18!

swimming

he said i was a realist
and a kinda steel-hearted one, to boot

he didnt say it was a bad thing, either
haha

but i think everyone's the same, deep down inside
we just choose what qualities we wanna hide, which that we wanna amplify
there's no good or bad
we just are.

observe, dont judge.

lol

to anyone

fitting in well with the workplace!
gotta still keep being cautioussss
never know when the super epic stress will come!

But for now
I love my job :'D
Great colleagues!!!

kids

lack of chemistry, lack of time

impossible, lol.
amid crazy proposals and conflicting interests
i've decided to not walk down the path of trouble

if you won't stay in the light with me, then i guess it's too bad
you'll have to walk back into the shadows yourself
._.

Developing teamwork and chemistry
I want to push and force also cannot happen one lol
I guess the recent new happenings in life helped me see that.
Though it's regrettable I had to pull down another unexpected passerby before I realized how misled i've been
Lol
It has been one hell of a week.

Work's fine, life's fine

haha.
Surprisingggg.

the end of

Disappointed, basically.

Disappointed by everything. With myself. With people.
I don't like playing mind games.

Ahhh.

Things are actually better in office because everyone is really trying their hardest to stay upbeat, lol.
But in here, during the weekends, its like... a tsunami of depression.

I know what I want, but it's impossible to get hold of it now, lol.
Lost my reason to fight, kinda. l:
Everyone is telling me to do this for myself, which is probably the most logical suggestion too.
Carve a path for myself, I will. Lol.
Such a lonely war to fight. But it will be won.

Maybe if I'm stronger
if I can take on more stress
if i'm more confident

I'll finally be able to take charge of my own happiness?

I'll be the one in control?

haha
sometimes i dunno if im doing things to protect myself, or to attack people
maybe its both

such a messed up personality i have.
either way, here's to a new week.
hang on, shanina

shut up

you chose this path
suck it up, deal with it, and rock on

jar of hearts

homg
feels good to hold a pencil and doodle again

SHAN
YOU CAN STILL DRAW!!!
YOUR SKILLS ARE STILL THERE!!!!!

lol
monday
step aboard the meat train again

but i kinda like work
i like the distraction it gives
i dont have to deal with shit outside of working life when im in the office

hell yeaaaaa

pop

lol

took it off, tore it down
ready to jump in, full force!



i will be better.
in the name of my past failuresssss

palette

dead tired

i'm very happy in the room
and that makes me sad

because i know... this situation won't be for long...
haha.

i feel a lot of detachment now

on one hand, it's good things died before life gets rougher
on the other hand, it feels weird that i'm left with only a plastic figurine to go back to.

feels weird that i can just breeze through overtimes without even flinching
when in the past
i'll practically schedule my life around the clock
it just... feels weird.

'could have been', that's the way to put it.

glad my friends dropped by today
really thankful
:)

ive a teacher watching over me too
teacher, or colleague lol
...teacher, i guess
he'll always be a teacher to me

these few days were awesome because of that warm fuzzy feeling
i really felt that i matter to people, at least :)

mebbe everything's really for the better

magnolia

so I went on a final shopping spree and got myself a cork board, among other things.
pinning the little souvenirs from the past proved to be more reminiscent of the old times than I thought. haha

7 movies in all, over these 4 months
1 grad show
1 cycling trip over at pasir ris
countless dinners
and little individual meetups, shopping trips, chillax sessions

this post graduation break... it all ends hereeee
it's high time i moved on to the next stage of life
I'm already one month late, haha

I'm sorry this gap month(s) can't go on forever

I'm sorry I can't force my heart to go with my head
Sometimes I feel like the biggest idiot on earth
But
I don't know
I just can't
lol.
I'm an idiot.

Was thinking about shifting things back to normal
then I realized
I don't even know what 'normal' stands for in this situation. Honestly lol.
before everything exploded, there was no contact whatsoever
Is this the 'normal' status things are defaulting to?
Does this count as friendship?

How did everything happen, again?

??

So much questions
But I still ended up never talking about it
As usual

I'll look at seanana and his potential lady friend
and I'm like
daaaammn
why can't I be more like him
so smooth, so focused
so... lucky
lol.

I don't wanna cause anyone anymore trouble
but I get the feeling a lot of loose ends aren't tied up yet
for me, for a few others

Could let everything settle and disappear under the dust
Like the past
But that's the loser's way out, isn't it
it isn't really fair to everyone
if so
what should i really do, lol


tell me

.

wasted your turns

i'm not a victim ._.
don't need sympathy
though some understanding would be nice

electrique boutique

bought myself some a jayssssss
was an unexpected buy
since i came in half intending to get skull candy
but the sales girl pitched me a jays instead
wasnt very convinced until they told me that yes, the earphone has a casing!
rofl
bought it immediately after that

phone wise, im getting an android phone. iphone really not worth...
36$/mth + 480$ upfront
no way, lol
no waaaay

hair's done, too :> i'm all set.
I'M ALL SETTTTTTT!!!!

hahaha
today was a good day.
shopping with friends never felt better.

dont need to worry about impressing people
looking stupid
just go out there and anyhow everything
hahaha

had a long talk with seanana yesterday
about love and life in general
learnt a lot
i hope i gave him enough knowledge in return, too
very excited about him finding a new honey bunny
high time that lazy ass got a move on with life lol

this is the way love is supposed to be, isnt it
surrounded with support and positivity
i wish you the best :D
dont forget to update me can alr
LOL

jbf

it's time to let go and cut it off

new hair
new phone
new earphones

;_;
my wallet is feeling the burn

still having second thoughts about everything
but i guess
if i dont change those stuff now
i'll never get another chance to

i'm too stingy to allow myself another chance to get new things

lol

i can't believe i'm feeling frustrated over shopping

typical female
hahaha
is this even worth blogging about. lol.

wait,

life.

all four of us
what is going on, lol

i don't wanna go through the trouble of dodging shit
lol
sick of it
stay rooted and see what happens

this circle
is here to stayyyy
no matter what happens

|:

maps

this month has been interesting
way too interesting for my liking

errr
nowhere to go but onwards, i suppose

not feeling sad, not particularly happy either
...
resigned is the word to describe it, i guess

new jobs, new issues with hanging out, new way of life
...whatever, lol
i don't really care
get this transition done and over with

runanana

o____o

enlightenment!


and with the confirmation of my failure
came a huge wave of gloom

looks like i'm walking in the wrong direction again...
just keep on trying ah
till i become someone i'm comfortable with

on a good day

i don't feel like me
feel myself regularly preparing myself for the worst
always on tiptoes

is this the normal way to treat life, lol
being so careful

things are going great
but i kind of miss just throwing my head back and acting recklessly stupid
not caring about whose tail i step on
but
haha
of course that's not gonna happen

this is the curse of growing up, i guess
we learn |:

i feel a huge self inflicted pressure to not screw things up lol
scared of failing
dunno if i'll still have the luck to have a friend pick me up

the fall will probably be extra painful when it does happen
i guess

:(

but aiya
lol
whatever la, first world problems
i'll survive through it
other people have it worse than me

what am i even complaining about.

subwoofer lullaby

ahhh

smile no out

:/

its like there's suddenly a dark cloud hanging over the entire social landscape lol.

sometimes i feel like we're all just spamming scripted polite messages to and fro haha
so much things and high risk areas to avoid touching on
i guess that's the difference between being 'friends' and being true 'close friends', lol

hopefully we can all work together and pull the sun back into the scene again

:D

set fire to the rain

i'm happy
but apparently not happy enough for the world


hahahaahaaaaaaaa

damn scared ah
of losing everything

but no one likes a depressed little lady, right

so i guess
i'll just have to suck it up
and be even happierrrrr

can one
caaaaan one

stop expecting so much of myself
i already managed to adjust in a week
im already changingggg
it's fine
things take time

can't expect myself to wake up and be a badass immediately

as long as i dont stop trying

caaan one


go for it
go for the job
go for the new chapter in life
go for the changeee