apple and cinnamon

editedit:
seanana gave me a surprise xmas present... :D
I can now play with him and tatiana now
fuckyeah minecraft

I TAKE ALL THE PAIN AND THE JOY
THROW THEM INTO A PAINTING
AND FILE THEM AWAY
DOO DOO DOO


OPEN MY ARMS AND ALLOW MORE MEMORIES TO ALTER THIS PICTURE



:')

The End

So I finished reading everything. All 136 chapters. Over the span of 5 long years. I won't lie, a few chapters had me sniffling away, hahaha

So many situations I can relate to
And so common, I realized those situations were.

In the story, she cried too
But she still gave in for the bigger picture.

I remember doing the exact same thing in life too. Crying, giving in, moving on. Was that the right thing to do? I don't know. I don't think anyone knows. But it sure does feel good knowing that I'm not the only one dealing with this.

The end of the story is almost like taking a peek at the potential end of my life. It'll all end well. Peace will find you in the end.

Everyone separated after graduation, each leaving for their own life and goals, no longer bound together. Again, it hit a nerve lol. But I read on, saw how each of them coped with the initial loneliness, how they still managed to smile

And it's like me hitting enlightenment suddenly lol. Loneliness is something you can't escape from. It'll come into your life every once in a while. Accept it, work with it. Know that there /are/ people who love you, and it's them you should stay upbeat for. Stay alive just so you can see them again.

After all, without separation, you can never have a banquet again... :>

I don't feel like I'm the worst asshole in the world anymore. All these selfish thoughts, all the negativity, it's all natural. You can't expect everyone to be born a saint. Accept it. Know it's these qualities that made you, you. Let's accept each other for who we are and grow together, hahaha

Reading all the fan comments after the end... holy cow guys inorite me too me too

hahahaha

I'm not that different from the rest, after all :D
I never was.

(I think this just further solidified my goal to be a storyteller lol.)

rise from the ashes

up on melancholy
hill

are you here with me

evolution

And I got accepted.
As an official tournament contestant.

To be honest
I'm deathly afraid of it all
Winning, losing, COMMUNICATING.

I'm on my own with this road too. No one else's planning to head into comics and concepts. No one to share my joy with. I don't think anyone even understand that the shit an 'oct tournament' is about lol.

But that's not going to deter me from eventually bumping virtual heads with you...
Tournament by tournament
Gonna climb up till I get the right to do battle with you guys 3:

If FengZhu could achieve his dream to meet George Lucas
I don't see why I can't achieve this 4 year old dream to meet you guys too ;@

MorningLatte

http://i56.photobucket.com/albums/g162/pencilspam/morninglattefinal.jpg

edit edit : ugghhh i think ill just end it here
its already way too big for e portfolio template

edit edit edit: i still went ahead and filled in the rest of it anyway -____-
Since when did you become such a stickler for quality, shan
that nine hours isnt gonna come back
you could have went to your damn library today

though
i do feel a sense of pride in my baby. is that what happens when you literally put in your best for everything in the picture lol.

watched a youtube video of a particular famous lady. really liked seeing her human, non professional side. sincere personality. very warm.
touched by the extent she'll go for her boyfriend. inspiring. sounds like some fairy tale love lol. she deserves it though. lady went through so much work and pain to get her happiness.

Even on a cloudy day

Hey

No use sitting here and feeling wistful
Everyone has an equal chance.

How many years have you stepped in, only to jump right out in fear again.

Yes, yes you know what your new year resolution will be.
and you will work to it.

To be able to work on the same level as the modern comic artists.
In a year.

GO GO GO JOIN ALL THE DAMN TOURNAMENTS JOIN ALL THE FEATURES

Minus

MY GOD am I tired or what
Head hurts like a bitch

Fuckin thing isnt even half done yet AHHHHH
AHHHH
ahhhhhh.

When there's nothing left to burn you have to set yourself on fire.

It's you, it's me

Behind all the smudged makeup and unkempt hair
You are still who you are

Seeing a trend in my drawings. I'm starting to like drawing girls in their worst shape haha. So much more real.


I'm starting to question a lot of things going on in my life now
Starting to doubt

edit:
Left early from the family reunion

Yes, you little lonely bitch
Of course you'll be lonely
You don't even have a family to call your own

You've always been on your own
Who are you kidding

Why bother looking
No one likes you

Just another insignificant object for people to make use of

ARGH

tear

Forget it, lady

Notice you don't have privilege to have someone walk you back on track
Only you can save yourself , now


Get back in the ring


I'd rather you play than be played.
Like an.

Akikane

The more you say, the more blinded you get, little birdie

For keepsakes

i can be all harsh and confident with one person
but weak and shy with another

On the eighth day of christmas

call my family, call my friends

just out to

When trance meets metal

Nemesis theory

What can I say. You're a genius at what you do. :D


Change is coming, I can practically feel it
Looking forward to seeing the new alterations in my life
For once 3:

stuck on you

a random find
an impulsive decision

and I found myself facing my past mistakes in the face again 3:

further solidifies the concept that one day
all of us
we'll cross paths again :v

because everything runs in a big, big circle, yo

darker than a moonless night, as bitter as hell itself

... that is coffee.

Shit, I blame you for getting me hyped up all over that addictive beverage lol. Godot!!

Figured out the tabs for both the sax and piano solo. MEANING FUCK YEAH I CAN PLAY THE ENTIRE SONG'S MELODY NOW

The sax part was easy, a rough internet search came up with lots of results. But the piano part was.. holy fuck, man. I had to youtube videos and transcribe on my own, figure out my own fingerings. Time pew-pewed by me lol, so much for doing homework.

This song is like one of my all time favourites lol. Apparently it's nice enough to make me touch guitar and practice again. Things are so much more fun when you're playing songs you like :)

Downloaded the jazz, classical and another separate classical rendering of all the Phoenix Wright series OSTs.

I AM IN LOVE.

Aside from that... I went through a pretty major change too. Took all of my theory work and threw it out the window. I guess... when it sounds nice, it sounds nice. Ears are built in my body for a reason. I don't need to chain my creativity to a bunch of letters and rules...

Sorry, raaaaynar.
I guess I'll be learning things my way from now on.

On a separate note; SEANANA'S MINECRAFT ACCOUNT, FUCK YEAH
Haha. One day. I'll see you in Surreal again.

intertwined

After almost 6 months
My journey through this fictional wonderland has ended. 2:33pm, 16 Dec 2010.

Leaving me with a satisfying closure, albeit a little sad.

Lots of respect
You guys aren't just artists
You guys are practically... creators, man.

Reminded me of my purpose as an artist... I... want to, someday, be the one squeezing tears out of my audience too :I I want to inspire too.

But
for that to happen, I must be an inspiration myself first...
Walk out, look at the world, experience
Fly freeee

Oh shit, I forgot, how'm I supposed to send this shit out?

My tea's gone cold I'm wondering why I..
got out of bed at all
The morning rain clouds up my window..
and I can't see at all
And even if I could it'll all be gray,
but your picture on my wall
It reminds me, that it's not so bad,
it's not so bad..

The fragrance of dark coffee

Speed isn't everything, nor is technicality
Is this why I'm finding myself getting more and more intrigued by slow songs?
Minimal, yet equally... expressive. Flood of emotions within a simple track.

Or maybe
Like what Siraj said
I'm growing old

hahahaha

Slow down, crank out some jazz tracks, and enjoy life for what it should be, over a cup of warm white coffee...
Don't dwell on the past and future; just enjoy the present.

slipping down the wet side

the sun should have been with me
as i was set to fall in
to fall in
to fall in

oh come on

stop it.

the only exception

I broke my own heart, yesssss
and the only way to mend it
is to learn how to believe again

hoooly

it's not over

course I want to be taken of :I

haven't been talking to sean for days, due to some MSN server fault in the west.

could only bitch to each other through short facebook messages. fuck long distance restrictions, man.

we've been rocking this joshua+me kind of bond for a long while now... and I'm kind of happy it turned out that way :O

It's perfectly awesome being friends, because the urge to change each other is gone. No more stress. We could be all childish and annoying again, hell yeaaaah

...with that said.

SHIT

DUMB MSN

WORK, DAMN IT.

DON'T FORCE ME TO RETURN TO S*T

superflat

i just

dont want to be alone

:/

psyche

i can never move on

because i never did let go

even after all these while

thinking

thinking

still thinking

what if, what could have, what should have

we were always quarrelling in my dreams

you were something i could never be

unattainable

...

..

.

thought of you

http://vimeo.com/14803194

heart wrenching :I

i picture the perfect scenes in my head, pictures of pure bliss and happiness

i fight damn hard for it, tears blood sweat invested

i got it

and got disappointment in return

because real life can never compete with the images i directed in my head...

sometimes, i guess, its just dumb to fight so much for something you're not 100% sure about.

and its also assholic to give that fantasy fleeting moments of life. to give hope.

one day

the dream will stop

and you'll be all alone

and you sure as hell deserved it.

keenan at sea

Happy being oblivious

Stay like this

Lets all be best friends together

here with me

To keep my sanity intact for the past 4 days

I made a log of my activities

Day 1

Flight was awesome, got bored afterwards

Airport security not as scary as I thought...

Kind of miss my friends already

Day 2

Couldn't get used to the laidback way of life

I'll probably be bored to death

Sense a sadder story behind this 'facade'

Are they really that 'unconcerned' about 'money'?

Tried out chamomile tea for the first time. Tastes disgusting.

Day 3

Daydreamed more about this concept I had a few weeks ago.

Crocodile farm made me wish I took more thrills in life, got closer to nature. Animals are really laidback, just like the Sarawakians. Except for the babies. For now.

Don't like markets, don't like crowds.

Every tour group member had this stereotype to them. Cheerful, annoying, chatty and family orientated. We are the quiet ones. LOL. I think I got more of my clueless genes from my equally clueless dad. And my obedient genes from my equally obedient mom.

That's me all right. Know nothing, follow everything.

Not that it's a bad quality. I kind of like how it represents us as a family. Our trademark of cluelessness.

Day4

WHAT IS HAPPINESS.

Dad and taxi uncle were talking about it in the cab. As is the radio deejay on at that moment in time. Granted, there is a lot to be thankful for. And we should.

But I guess it's not up to anyone to define the ingredients of happiness.

If you're happy, that's fine. Don't teach anyone else how to be happy, your way. I think this is a deeply personal issue, a journey to be taken on one's own.

E's gonna come over in a bit. I kind of regret letting him send me home lol. Now he can stalk me anytime, anywhere

lolololol

lol

lol.....

i... what can i say...

:I

slowly but surely
im swinging back on track

because fuck you, workload
I'm still gonna be the one smiling in the end.

but i wasnt afraid to die

dont reflect, dont question
follow my gut instinct, let my heart lead

that's what you've been telling me from the start

let my black, black heart lead the waaaay
\m/\m/\m/

the only hope for me is

I haven't had a pleasant dream for ages.
Watching Paprika made the experience all the worse for me.

Sometimes
I feel like just dropping all the burdens I've to carry
Lie down
And just dream about what I want

If I cant answer my own questions about happiness
Maybe my subconscious can do it for me :/

standing in a V formation

Keep up with her
It's easy to be a success
It's hard to let go of your life in order to achieve that success

dedicating your entire body and soul to work

is the sacrifice worth it?

I think nottttttt

half asleep

i kind of hate relationships right now
ruining friendships everywhere

but then again
its inevitable
its life

Of love and aggression

i feel like such a spoilt kid

...

:)

it's nice talking to you.
helping each other understand, helping each other learn.
Though I'll admit you're way beyond me on the maturity level, hahaha.
I look forward to being just like you.

Calming agent, you are.

its hard to know that you still care

wake up to the fact that

people can be disappointed too

i keep my eyes fixed on the sun

1 : I will not be biased

2 : I will not expect anyone to answer my call for resolve

3 : I will reevaluate

Before my life turns into a hotpot of drama.

And I will.

Keep searching.

TOMORROW. DINNER LONG TALK DINNER LONG TALK YES.

sing

i would rather you not agree to anything
it's just a day
any other normal day

that you chose to destroy by jerking me out of my momentum, by force

neeeeed
i need my reason back
i need a distraction
i need

uhughaugd 6 more days.....
till
another chance opens up

tinkerbell

feeling small and tired
need to
curl up

dull thud

you'll be taken care of.
parasitic
.

swoon

i kind of expected such answers
but seeing it in my face
holy cow
do i still deserve to love

i /am/ a very physical person
maybe me meeting such partners isnt due to my luck
it was due to me...
they gravitated towards me because that's what i've been calling out for
i gravitated towards them because that's what i wanted

is that why i never wanted to blame him, i never was that angry
i definitely played a big part in our disaster

so hard to turn back to innocent relationships when i already had a taste of the full treatment. so hard to settle for less.

its terrible i never shed tears for my partners
do i not care about them
has it always been purely physical
no, i do care
just not enough, it seems...

physical, unsincere

how can i dish out so much hate on dahlia when i'm another dahlia myself
.
.
.

let this world explode

talked to deep guy no.2

this led to that
and i found myself looking at the traits of an average red liking person, going 'hell yeah thats me'

I wonder how long this body will last
Can I still sustain my lifestyle when my youth's all faded and dead
How do I make the most of my prime days

What's the difference between 'going all out' and 'being recklessly stupid'

How do I fully enjoy life with so many things weighing me down :I

Playing pheonix wright 3
DAHLIA YOU DEMON LADY
BROKE SO MANY MENS HEART FOR YOUR OWN GAIN
KILLED SO MANY PEOPLE FOR YOUR OWN ADVANTAGE
DAAAAAHHHLIIIIAAAAaaaaaa

let me join you on your adventure

i needed some time for myself

went to the library...
bought myself some trinkets...
turned msn off and relaxed...
gave myself the space i wanted.

feels awesome.

being alone every once in a while never felt that great.
i guess i missed myself.

We're gonna sing a song without words

playing with fire

cannot stand it
i cant keep my nose out of trouble

back in tune

shutting out the world has never sounded that pleasant.
I can practically feel the bass line, now.
Love my headphones :')

Decided to clear things up yesterday night.
长痛不如短痛. Hopefully I won't regret this.
Get the feeling a lot more drama will unfold in the near future.
I told you you'll see my cruel side soon :(

Very grateful to motherly lady
Didn't expect her to actually uphold her idea to lend me her precious camera
And taking me along to do our homework :D

Tiring day. I shall nap a little and rest up.
Then it's time to rush the art hist project.
We're all tired.
Huddle closer a little more and wait out this storm togetherrrr

club can't handle who?

Today has been an eventful day

Do I look stressed
Do I look down and out

my face is betraying me, isnt it

I think I'm coping okay mentally
But my body isnt doing too well in this department

I hope i can look as well as I feel one day :c

look like a proper adult, poker face and all

\m/

why would you tell me to get a boyfriend, uncle
why are you contradicting yourself
damn your sarcasm hahahaha FUCK YOU GUYS MAN WHY IS EVERYONE TELLING ME TO GET A FUCKING BOYFRIEND FUCKING STRESS PLEASE HAHAHAHA INDEED WHAT THE FUCK YO I DONT NEED A GUY NOW PRZ THANK YOU IM NOT READY FOR ONE, AND I DONT THINK THEY ARE READY FOR ME EITHER

Just remember to fall in love

Don't want to think
Let me be childish and have my fun
I missed feeling this type of happiness
I missed smiling straight from the bottom of my heart

:D

Even if it won't last
Even if I've to wake up soon and set things right again

so come sing forever end to dust

I've no intention of making myself exclusive for a friend

:(

thanks for telling me, though

Echoes reflect and change, they serenade

haha
a certain tall, brittled boned mister indirectly taught me things about letting go
a certain bespectacled illustrator with a toothy grin indirectly taught me things about love
a certain generous lady indirectly taught me things about the world outside our bubble

the power of facebook
scrolling through walls and messages
looking at photos

can be pretty enlightening at times

Echoes, from another world

I appreciate the multiple saves
:D
thanks for sharing your story
i never knew.
+1 respect.
So much stronger than me.

it's like another m.c. situation
hrp
but at least there's no mud and dust everywhere

G6G6G6G6
Kaichin really looks like the lady from G6. No joke.

there's nothing else

too ignorant
too innocent

or maybe... just too manipulative

would i want to walk down that path of dangers
no

so steer clear, lady

It's hard to know they're out there

I support the idea of reciprocation, really
But I'm unable to give back this time round

And /now/ I see the flaw in the logic I've always lived by.

Bubbling hotpot of trouble
I get the feeling this year is going to be an interesting one

heehee

:'D

i wonder.
you said it was a display of strength
but i've never felt that way

Surviving things doesnt mean I was able to get the best of it.
I only jumped because I knew someone's there to catch me

dead hearts

I could say it but you wont believe me
You say you do but you don't deceive me
It's hard to know they're out there
It's hard to know that you still care

uuboohooboohooboohoo.
haha. thanks, you guys...
I probably would have ran out and mass murdered people along the streets if you guys werent here to hold me down
The calm after the storm feels as delicate as ever

And tired, I do feel.

Wistful.

And as needy as ever. I feel just like A.A, haha. Maybe that's why I like her so much. We're always in need of strong pillars to lean on. Thus the constant search for the right partner. Thus the overprotective sheltering of friends. Thus the tears.

We're doing it because that's, quite literally, our life force...

Really tired.

It's so tiring to always live in fear of our pillars crumbling.

So what's going to happen now..?
I don't know.
Find someone new and get hurt again.
Hahahahahaha

...

Even though you lost your mind

I forgot what I wanted
Looks like my head is very good at denying
Can't even tell the difference between my own lies and truthful declarations now
I've found myself actually believing in the fibs i told

Hahaha.
习惯就好.

dream of something warmer

...
okay, okay
okay
okay
okay
okay

i'll do it
okay

.

i stopped giving a shan

MY GOD
I...

I... WANT TO CHOKE A COW TO DEATH...

it's not me, isnt it
if it's just me, then they won't be trying to console me, won't be trying to calm me down

is it a crime to feel insecure
is it a crime to not be confident
is it a crime to want to get some reassurance

what...?

vanilla salt

time to move on and find a new pillar

3:<

this one's all crumbled

horrible

the thing with having a soft mold for a heart is that people will always come over and mold it into the shape they want

holding in, not holding on

holding in a lot of sneezes, it seems

flu and fever
come
go ahead
ruin my ALREADY PACKED SCHEDULE GOD DAMN IT

HOW THE SHIT AM I SUPPOSED TO KEEP UP WITH THE DEADLINES NOW

THIS IS TERRIBLE
/I'M/ TERRIBLE
WHY DID I ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN TO MYSELF

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

rooftops

busy week has been busy.
looking forward to the end of it.

bluebird

OMEN CAME TRUE





WARGH

lift you up

very tired
not the boohoo man i feel like crying my eyes out tired
not physically tired, too

i just
dont feel alive

zombie like state, you can say

really feel like skipping a few days of class
but i cant let go of my school commitments

forced myself to push on with mg homework
it turned out looking like shit
mediacorp thing isnt looking good too. dont know who is the one lying.
i just know we are not welcomed, from the way things are looking.
both me and zk are feeling extremely half hearted about this.
an omen...?

under the sheets

ugh of all times to die on me
you have to crash when i'm rushing my ass off

week 2 and i'm already tired

definitely felt the jump
but i refuse
to believe it
it cant be ;@

while you were sleeping

oh, little goat.
you tell me.

uhoh

why must you reassure me like that
what kind of vibe am i giving off
WHY DO I FEEL SO SELF CONSCIOUS

|:

I've done enough reflections to last me through a while
I just don't want to carry out what I've found out for myself :/

A kiss to build a dream on

First serious talk debate thing with the father ever since I moved back in.
At least there was no screaming and yelling like what happened in the past.

Both of us were using soft, controlled, yet super firm tones against each other haha. I kind of wish we could go back to screaming. Anything is better than taking passive aggressive stances. I hate talking over issues in the adult way.

We ended up compromising.
You will do whatever you can to schedule it on December, and will only use November if there's absolutely no choice.
I will allow you to touch my instruction week in November, and work to clear my schedule before the event happens. At the worst case.

I just hope my teachers will be able to take the time shift...
And this trip had better be fucking awesometastic.

Realized that I'll choose work over family anytime. Guess I'm really not the kitchen type, haha...

tribulations

i felt like i just lost a non existent fight.
you're not working the field, you're letting the field work you.
why shan why.

biting the hand that feeds me feels incredibly painful, and bitter

gotta learn to zen with my mom.
if i keep on shoving myself into corners, i'll probably end up squashing myself to death one day.

SO UNPLEASANT

nameless

拿得起, 就要放得下

说得容易, 做得难...

talking only me and you

usually when things has gone this far
people tend to disappear

no one will surprise me unless you do

...
there i go again
depending on others for miracles
i'm lucky half of them even worked

what's a girl to do

lady can only sit back, cross her fingers

and wish for more warmth

all things go

in the end
it all boils down to


ZEN


Maybe it's easier because she's been away from social pollutions for a few decades, now. Maybe.

OKAY OFF TO BED.

falling, falling, falling, fallen

feels good to come clean and talk about it.

i realized i could have avoided the few days of upset-tery if i just went ahead and asked on day 1

embracing my insecurity and selfishness was hard
but i did it
glad you took it pretty well, too

will never have spilt the beans if you didnt go all honest on me
i thank you for that

yes...
communication... so important.
doesn't matter if it comes in the form of yelling or babbling, or anything in between, i guess. you can only go forward from there.

send you my love, on a wire

I don't like change

Not like anyone cares
Things are still continuing to move and evolve
no matter what I think

Though it's because of change that I found you
It's because of change that I'm here now
It's because of change that I'm still alive and happy

Oh, life, why must you toy with me so.
Always coming over and pulling me out of pits, only to push me back in again.
what are you trying to do? Why did you put me on this place? What's my purpose for being here? Why drag me through so much painnnnnn

just dont know if i could roll into the sea again

sorry mother
looks like i have once again failed at minding my own business

to binge

on rainbows and unicorn dust

haha
those scattered dreams and wishes
my little flower patch
curling up beside my pillar and doing nothing

someday...

tokyo et paris

EMPTINESS
IS
COMING
BACK

is that partly why i kept on clinging on
was i trying to escape from this void

it sure does feel awful
i guess this is what happens when I decided to enter adulthood early
not ready, never was ready

and now I have to cope with the consequences, after having taken a peek into my future. It's like I climbed up to Level ,say, 50 in a game, and BAM. The GM just pushed me back to Level 20. I lost all my skills, all my stats...

I NEED TO CUT OFF MY HAIR AGAIN
THIS IS THE ONLY WAY I CAN DEAL WITH IT

stop making that pig face

it's a nice getaway
just curling up and forgetting the troubles of the world

too bad this 'getaway' is something intangible...
i will be sad when it disappears.

i'm so detached at times, yet super emotional with others.
so extreme...

the world ends with you

so corny at times
so relate-able on others

but all in all, it shouldnt even matter, right.
as long as you keep on breathing, keep on living...

whiteblue

Good day :')

air war

it's like bombing someone's land
and then
running in and taking their loot while spitting on their ruined doorstep

has your body been hollowed by the breeze

went back to celestica.

three week of silence.
its good, i suppose

slowly
we'll forget

black sheep

What are you trying to say
What am I trying to show

What are we doing

Why can't I know
Why won't you tell me

It's not even about me wanting to help now
It's about me wanting a peace of mind

l:

So I said it out loud again
And got a ton of apologies and regret in return

But what difference does it make if you're going to do it again, as sincere as it sounds

Am I just going to keep on sniffling for you

It hurts when you say you don't care, when you just disappear on me, walk away, go offline

Feels like I'm trying for nothing

If I'm making an effort to stay upbeat for you guys
I don't see why you can't do the same for me
Am I really worth nothing in your eyes

:c

pull away

Hello again, friend of a friend, I knew you when
Our common goal was waiting for the world to end

:'D

It's funny how you can relate to anything if you feel strongly enough for it.
Why must we be held down by so much morals and values
Who created all these anyway

Sometimes I really wish I can go all out and play to my heart's content

but ahhhh
consequences, consequences.

doh.
:)

.

up on melancholy hill

listening to that song made me remember the huge fire blazing in me when i first picked up geeta

All the fun we had
All the joy
Every little giggle of exhilaration I made when I successfully pulled off a progression

;@

Well, you can't get what you want, but you can get me...

uhuhuhuhu geeta.......

knife

going back to deviantart.
will try to... draw my little comic things again o;

it'll all play out on the last scene

tempted to walk over to the music store and sit in front of it
and wonder
ponder

is 11 years not enough to find the perfect musical soulmate...?

It's just me, isn't it?

Teardrop

I'm here
I'm always here

Sometimes I really wish I can take damage for you
I heal fast
You look like you're gonna shatter the moment a slight breeze knocks into you...

meow meow lullaby

still like you the way you are, you little darlings

all of my life

feeling a little depressed |:

also
I had a dream where all the peeps i adored leapt off and died
I was almost gonna follow them too
But guess what, I chickened out

And I ended up sad and lonely

darren styles sure has some emo techno teenager shit

there, go ahead
you big gay cry baby

sigh.

DON'T LOSE CONTROL OF YOUR EMOTIONS EVER AGAIN, GODDAMMIT
HOW OLD ARE YOU ALREADY
18

GODDAMN 18

SHAN AHHHH

black nights, white lights

am i doing too much
am i not doing enough

i wish there's a gauge to tell us how we're faring in life

;@

so hard to estimate
so much at stake

if life is a game, then the programmer must be one sadistic bastard

oh well

people dont like it when i beat around the bush with them
i dont like it when people beat around the bush with me


also
i have a very sharp tongue



....these two topics are probably not related to each other

how to be charming

i would like to be a people person too o;

last sunday night

Nnnngh
I wanna try out the piano...

I find that piano's more able to cover what I want to accomplish with music :/

But I don't wanna risk switching...
And I'm also connected to geeta.

Learning both at the same time is out of the question
School's starting soon

Also, a keyboard's pretty expensive...
But...
The more piano covers I find on the net
The more the temptation grows...

Annoying

annoying, annoying lady

love comes again

take it, then let it go
rinse and repeat
and repeat
and repeat

say what

Push my strengths forward
Make myself useful ;D

come again

:C

here's your silhouette

Je te plumerai, la tete
take flight...if you can

:D

Holding myself in higher self worth
You're just as precious as anyone else!

stop, drop and kick

I'm overthinking things

will always think people are not happy with me etc
but
truth is

99.9% of the time, that's not the case.

i tend to assume the worst.
not a very bad trait, but it gets kind of annoying at times.

AiD

It's been two days
And I'm still unable to get out of the hold AiD3 had on me.

Not the best game per se,
but for some reason, I'm still totally sucked in.

Great atmosphere, great details, great plot twists.
Feels as if Wonderland is real.
I want to believe that Wonderland is real :c

Inspiration and the strength to draw came back to me... I've found myself willing to complete illustrations despite the restrictions the lag has been giving me.

I like to think my speed with paintings have improved too. 2 hours tops to do up a rough finish. Better than the 6 hour portraits I have been scoring in the past.

These few days have been slow and bland
It's a form of luxury, I would say.

we're believing in each other, not you

YOUR DAMN MANTRA ISNT WORKING

so much bullshit nowadays.
Smooth moves.
Thanks.

;@

she will love you like a fly

and never love you, again

I like listening to music
Really takes you to another place.

It's something I can never accomplish with art.
So far, I've never seen another piece of standalone artwork that ignited my imagination

Maybe it's not meant to be showcased alone?
It needs other supporting factors to help bring it to life... say, writing, animating, music... even putting it on a game platform works, too

Maybe art, by itself, has never been a solo thing. :/

paradise circus

I FEEL LIKE DRAWING
DAMN

tomorrow comes today

trying to please everybody is kinda tough at times
but at least i try l;

dont go

what's the time
what's the day

losing track

yes i want something to happen
you are already halfway there
just sit down and have a proper talk
it will be fine

you're always crazy like that

I'm not an animal person

I'm always wondering if I'm hurting them, wondering about what they are thinking, what they feel about me, whether they even want me to be around them in the first place

I'd rather just stay far away
Not ready for such responsibilities, not yet
Not ever, maybe

How can I take care of others if I can't even take care of myself

ZINGGGG

superfast

Hope is always there
still burning

its scary to know that i might just extinguish it with one wrong move

iz us

AND ANOTHER FIGHTER JOINS THE FRAY

sister of

you still owe me dinner
and a lot of bitching to

i can never be firm enough in such scenarios.

inexplicable rage

even if i cant finish it in time
i'll probably still complete it
probably

ai,ai-ai-ai-ai.

the songs i like cant be played on the guitar.....................
l:

feeling retarded

I'm feeling a pinch of anger, a dash of sadness, and a whole lot of detachment.
The result : A simmering brew of emotions, bubbling in my gut, but not quite strong enough to snap me out of my swing. Retarded analogy.

Hopefully my little hotpot of trouble will continue to boil
I'd rather feel something instead of this odd ... blankness

I thought we were back to friends
I felt happier when I thought we are back to being friends

Doh.

The kisses felt like nothing.

Also, I feel retarded.

big dango family

the magic that makes this song so damn sad for me is the 'family' theme




if this is the case, i'd rather not know
i'd rather stay as my unobservant self, walking around with my head in the clouds
spare me the knowledge

ungh

I realized I enjoy theory a lot more than 'practical' stuff.
Why?

1: There's a correct or wrong answer in theory. You know what to learn, there's textbooks to guide you

2: You know WHAT you are supposed to learn. Everything's written down for you in black and white. Just sit down, memorize the shit out of it, and voila!

Playing music itself, on the other hand...

I've to improvise, make up my own melodies, and let them sound good at the same time. You have no idea what you are doing half the time. There's nothing on paper to help you visualize things. Just your ears and memory. And boy, it just so happens that my ear power and memory skills are next to non-existent...

Frustrating at times, really |:

Makes me appreciate Maths.

She loves the cream

RESTORING MY FAITH IN FUCKING AWESOME GUITARISTS

JAZZ-HOP-ROCK FUSION GO!!!!!!!!!

Also my sister lied major to my parents and got caught.
Never with hold exam information from parents.....
You'll still end up screwed anyway (Y)

\o\

how high

i dont understand this
close contact is never a problem
it's just the little glimpses, the little hints of your presence that always throws me off guard

:c

doe deer

It's alright now...

I feel so much better already
I feel slimmer
My skin feels better
I'm looking all normal and average again.

Even though I can swear I still look the same as what I did a few weeks ago,
everything just feels so different after the main stress factor disappeared this morning.

Close shave...
Now that everything has been reset
I shall hereby promise myself to not engage in such risky ass acts ever again
I'd rather lose someone than put my own life and future on the line :v
You can be replaced
I can't

:|

in this life

Lookin' good!

got to be biased to be fair

Played the game Melvyn and peeps made in Gambit. Good stuff O: I like it. Really forced me to reflect on my tendencies to collect stuff despite knowing the harm it can bring. Ironically, my restaurant city tab is still open... I'm still playing it, trying to collect all my achievements... hahahahha....

Shan the virtual hoarder, dun dun dun

going to go back to score reading
been emauing long enough >:C
i hope i can play PoTC by december lol
would be the best present for myself

empathy

So... all that '3 day' shit I kept on bragging about to my lady friends...
...was actually hurting my body

Turns out that I'm only having it cool and easy because my body, most probably, wasn't ovulating at all.

Best part: It's already been like that for MONTHS

I fear to think about how fucked my body is already.

And now it.. just.. stopped entirely. I KNOW I kept on yakking about how i dont want a kid... but fuck, I still want to have the ability to CHOOSE......

Not gonna lie here, I am hella worried
And I dunno who the hell to turn to :|

I dont know what I am doing wrong
I am eating well
I am sleeping well
I am drinking well

So why?????

Year of silence

Sunday was a lot of fun

I think that was the happiest day we had throughout our 6-month long friendship :/
Was a little bummed seeing that we've been stuck in limbo for so long, but man, after yesterday, I realized that it doesn't matter in the end

:E

A little more
A little less
What's the difference, we're all well and happy

I like to think that I'm more emotionally independent now :E

Went to the library and did some reading... Learnt a lot, both artwise and music wise. Ready to take on my minor proj now. Going to scrap animation, but throw out an awe-fucking-some illustration, complete with crazy perspective, backgrounds, x12312 details and a few nice technical effects. Have a rough picture in my mind already. Ironically, the idea only came to me after I gave up and fell asleep in the lab HAHAHA

Just a single girl standing on an A3 canvas won't do now, no matter how many S or C curves I give her. Those poses have been done to death...

AHHHH.
Still waiting for my chocolate and jam hahahahahah OH ANNE. :C

it's raining clouds

I feel myself falling into a slump.
THIS MUST NOT HAPPEN.

Going to force myself to move
or else
i know i'll never move at all

Gonna run to school. Exercise, practice, do my minor, whatever. Just do something.

Fuck you! And fuck her too.

\m/
Awesome song.
Love it.


Chanced on a documentary about eating disorders yesterday night.
So I was looking at all those thin ass ladies
And my head was going : "Wow, damn. Nice waist and legOH SHIT WHAT AM I THINKING"

Haha. I'm far from being an anorexic, though sometimes I wish I am. But yeah I know better than that.

Anyway, during the interview, the lady was talking about how malnutrition has completely cut off her period, and in turn, may be affecting her chances of having a baby.

HMMMM.

Yeah.

Sometimes I wish I am anorexic.

not going to cry like a big gay baby

not at all.

KP gave me a B for IAP... but towards the end of the day, after all that fun and games, she said :

"Shan, give me your report."

Me, being me, interpreted it as her wanting to check through my stuff and find flaws again. So I gave it to her and crossed my fingers. Then she picked up her liquid paper and cancelled her grade, and penned in an A instead. I just... stood there.

Edwin did his 'house renovation' brow raise and smirked. Amelia and Jess went ecstatic. HC and KP grinned back. For that moment, I could feel everyone being genuinely happy for me, and hell, was that a good moment or what.

"I should have been more generous. We're from the same nyp family after all."

"...... ;____;"

-

Great day today, albeit a little melancholic.
I will never forget Ronald's sad smile.
Fuck shit, that expression was more heartbreaking than all the emo faces I've been drawing.

Edwin and Annabella will forever be remembered as the two kind souls who treated us to free teh and lemonn tea :v And all that company and support they have given.

James and Bernard will held in memory as the old uncles of scrawl :v

Jing will be the ART FUCKING GODDESS, KP and her unborn baby the ANIMATION GODDESS, FUCK, and Ting/HC the FUCKING RIGGING GODDESSES. They will reign over the company with an iron fist.

Mike and Lis will be the best couple in Scrawl. <3

ROOONALD :C

Bought chocolate with the other two ladies and distributed them to every single colleague in Scrawl. Funny how we're only doing the hardcore bonding on our last day of work.

I will miss the people here...
I will miss SBB....

However, I still will not miss the stress and work hahahhaaha

hahahahah

hahah

ha

BAAAAAAAAWWW I MISS YOU GUYS ALREADY

i know what you hate

SHIT
I'M MISSING SCRAWL ALREADY
INTERNSHIP IS TOO
FUCKING
SHORT


:v

I LOVE YOU GUYS
YOU ALL GAVE ME A FUCKLOAD OF STRESS
I GAVE YOU GUYS A LOT OF STRESS TOO
BUT
BUT WE STILL LOVE EACH OTHER, DONT WE

lunchtime is the best part.....
we could be in the worst moods
but when lunchtime comes
we still banter around like the best peeps in the universe
i love this part
i love the clear line between work and play

LAYOUTS TEAM BE THE BEST, FUCK YEAH
I'M PROUD TO BE SCRAWL'S LAYOUT ARTIST

THIS IS YOUR POTATO

break from the highway

too needy, too needy

lets go somewhere

i miss getting

those little

hugs. :v

i'm the waving fag

FUCK THIS
FUCK ALL THE SOPPYNESS

WOOOO LETS ALL SING THE FAG SONG
BECAUSE I NEED TO REGAIN ALL OF THE SELF WORTH I DESERVE D:<

no that isnt supposed to make sense

lay me back

so weird why i can be so honest with the roulette, even though i know i'm ruining my own chances for a serious relalala in the meantime
every single ugly thing i did, all the atrocious bullshit i pulled off
dude knows it all now :v

even matters where i'll lie or at least twist a little of the facts before retelling most people

totally at ease when the truth comes out

maybe its because a part of my mind has registered him to be as wild as me, and will be able to relate
maybe its also because i know our situation cant ever get worse than this. so why not just go all the way, drop all the fucking bombs

in turn, i got some info from him too

think /we're/ both ruining each other's chances.

but despite me being so willing to make myself out as a bad person
i'm still hoping someone will come over and tell me im not :v

had a really great day with the guitar people
especially with ai fang :D
serenaded her + got her some guitar strings :D So she could fix her guitar today. And fix it we did.
Had a fun little jamming session with Audrey + Fang too
Memorized the birthday song for Fang this morning, when i realized its her birthday.
SO GLAD I DID, YO. Now all three of us can jam to happy birthday anytime now LOL.
And my hardcore scale memorizing didnt fail me when the tests came. I seem to be getting some kind of a high every time i wow roulette and audrey by overdoing myself.
thats what pushing me on for now...
i like to be praised, it seems :v

Work hard, work hard!

celestica

:)
today feels like a good day

modern samurai

i can only sit down and wish
no energy no mood

WEEKEND SLACK VIRUS IS RUNNING RAMPANT

jazz pop

he said illustrators and graphic designers can never find good jobs in singapore

just so happens that i'm only interested in illustrating and graphic designing

WOOOOOOW.
hahahaha

oh well.

knights

basically, you're telling me to treat guys how they want to treat me
if i want a confident, nice looking dude
i should be confident and nice looking too

because ladies are not the only people who can judge. this also saves the insecurities. No need to worry if you look good or not, behaving alright or not, because you're on the same level as the dude.

OKAY
I THINK I HAVE FINALLY SEEN THE LIGHT OF ENLIGHTENMENT
I SEE WHAT I HAVE DONE WRONG NOW
TIME TO CORRECT THE MISTAKES

IF I WANT SOMETHING AWESOME
I MUST WORK HARD TO BE AWESOME FIRST, SO AS TO DESERVE THE AWESOME I WANT

Your murder coloured eyes

If I ever write a song
I'll definitely put the above line as part of the lyrics
It came to me as a sudden idea a few days ago and never left my head since.

ALSO HI WAIKAY
hahaha he has been reading all my emoness nooooo I feel so shamed LOL.

@addy : ho shit you found the song. I am both impressed, honoured, and pleasantly surprised at the same time. Really. O:

Feeling super motivated :)
I think all the tight schedule and shit IAP has laid on me kind of turned into a habit. I'm actually working 1hr shifts, with an alarm clock to time myself lol. And it's working. Settled my IAP report in an hour and a half, and I'm working on my minor project proposal now.

AND THE DAY HAS BARELY ENDED YET, FUCK YEAH

Feels good to not feel sluggish, yes.

love the way you lie

wow l:
never been the rapping type but damn, i feel for this song

the hell

this is the exact reason why i dont want to start a family l:

Why chain yourself to eternal quarrels and squabbles. Living by myself can be lonely, but hey i'd rather be lonely than give up my peace and quiet, thank you

a few life experiences i had in the past has made me hate such family episodes to an extremely high degree, probably way higher than the average person will feel towards it. tear ducts seem to be proportionately connected to the level of decibel a quarrel is generating. BUT NOOOOH I WILLL BE STRONG NOOOOOOH oh man i'm sniffling. i'm tempted to go out and take a few hours' worth of long walks, and I think i will go ahead and do it.

i can't imagine finding a man that's worth suffering so much over, and i cant imagine a man finding me good enough to chain himself to, either.

but yet, flings put me in such a melancholic mood. because you'll realize that no dude will be there for you when you really need him.

so what do i want?

Someone to be there 24/7, but is willing to not start families with me? Cohabit for the rest of our lives?

hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha yes.
shan, you greedy fucktard hahaha

Fine gloves worth the death of a gentleman

Ms A quit her job today, and left my fellow IAP mate a hidden bomb.
"So hey, I don't like her because she didn't come over when I asked her to." Then BAM, she left for good. IAP mate got a few points minus-ed off her IAP grade because of this.

I know there's two sides to the story, and tbh, I really dont trust IAP mate's words as much as I would like to trust the average person... but daaaamn. Woke me up. I've been taking the people's friendliness for granted. Gotta be careful too.

Been daydreaming about going on some hardcore training during the holidays. Maybe I will. But it'll... yeah... it'll be nice if I had someone to go hardcore with me too...
But who'll be willing to invest a month in back breaking training for a hobby ): Also don't know how to properly train. Don't know what to learn. Don't know if I'm doing it right in the first place. NEED A MENTOR )':

double vision

i found out that postponing lunch puts me into an extremely grumpy mood.

hnnnngh. radio silence.
feel like a barrier's slowly/quickly creeping up between me and the NYP people. A barrier consisting of work, stress, and negativity, that is. And both sides are contributing loads to it. And I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one feeling the impact of this change. But then again, I guess this is how life's supposed to be anyway. Everyone goes their separate ways in the end, headed for different goals. We can only just sit back and wish the best for each other.

Man. Even classes. Even classes are different.

Everyone's probably okay with this change, but the kid in me is cowering in fear right now :V

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU ARE HIGHLY DEPENDENT ON PEOPLE, YO

see imma tell you

i forgot for a moment
that even the ultimate assholes have feelings too

new in town

6 messages and 4 missed calls, and still going on

waaargh.
shit that damn telemarketer, fuck.

hahaha

Tinkered with the bass
Super fun, managed to churn out a nice little impromptu background support for Fang's cannonball cover. So glad I force fed myself a few chunks of theory. Don't feel as useless now. I'm actually starting to like supporting. We tried out the distorters too. Clean, Crunch (Fucking nice, this one), Metal and Insane. Holy shit orgasmic.

Figured out the magic behind the double bass thing too. It's... just two pedals for a single drum. |: But to be fair, trying to keep your feet going at the same tempo while flailing your arms about in a rhythmic fashion is pretty tough. I gave up after a while. Strings are more for me.

Touched his violin. D'awwwwww sounds like shit in your hands hahahahahaha

Single ladies

@deh: YES I AM SO POOR NOW ): I... kinda did. But I dont think you gai will notice. Only an inch gone or so. And yeh :D Family love be nice. Until the sister gets annoying HAWHAW nah just kidding.

-

SENT AN EMAIL TO YOU, ANNE
let's try completing everything before we get hitched and marry our asses off

curse of unpopularity

@deh: i replied to your comment, but i forgot it'll get pushed down with every new post i make l: i'll find new ways to allow you to chat/sex me up soon

went ahead and did it
now my hair's way too straight for me hahahaha
and i smell like i just soaked myself in chemicals for four long hours

self esteem +1 now, though.

Makeup isn't appealing to me as much as before. I be looking into more permanent changes. Honey potting, rebonding, healing the skin... Expensive, but I won't have to give it care and concern every damn day. I've no time for this yo. Think it'll just be a matter of time before I succumb to plastic stuff. In a few years, maybe. Haha.

Had a nice bonding time with the family, as promised. Good stuff. Found out that my favourite tree in Sembawang beach fell a long while ago. Felt like a bit of my old memories just died a little inside.

I'll spend every day of the weekday worrying about my appearance
but when the weekends come, my mind'll just switch to this "oh fuck it whats the point" mode.
So the huge ass spending spree I have been planning since the start of the week just got scrapped today. I threw away my whole list of stuff to buy and settled on buying sushi for the family instead. Because fuck my indecisive mind.

(Y)

stuck on repeat

over and over again

easy to laugh it off
not easy to really laugh it off

this weird flowery jasmine scent be haunting me since morning
why do i smell all jasmine-y, i dont know

i dont know anything \m/

gonna dedicate tomorrow to family and myself
get back in touch with that 'other forms of love' mr odd guy talked about
maybe it'll help

you're just a sad song

just when i'm feeling all down and out, itunes had to be an angel and send a shitload of sad songs playing my way.

yeah...
i dont need this now.

and the stars came out and filled up the sky

For a female who knows exactly how her body works
It's weird that I still feel so extremely uncomfortable with my own self.

Not one bit of my body that I actually like. Shitty face, shitty waist, shitty legs. I spend more time in front of the mirror frowning at myself than anything else.

So upset about this. Binge.

My day's cleanly split into two halves now. Art in the day, music at night. Keeps me busy... but for some reason, my head still can find time to worry about dumb things. O heart, cease your pining...!!!

On a lighter note, the mother bought me green tea sachets :D
Luff!

Air in G

Forcing myself to read score sheets sucks ass.
But I'm doing it, and will continue doing it.
Because I know I can.

RAAAAHHH

Rainbows all up my sock

Not fated ah
Kept on missing each others' calls


NOT FATED AHHHahahahaha.

The day you slipped away

We're very good at acting, huh.
It's nice that I'm a lot more at ease around you now, though. I guess it's great progress for a wasted potential. Lunch was actually fun with you guys.

Makes me appreciate art a lot more. Seeing how much you suck at drawing made me giggle inside. :B Teehee.

The inner hopeless romantic in me likes the fact that you're taking up violin too... could be a coincidence, but I realized you only started showing interest after knowing I played the violin as a child. Didn't give a reply after the Fang badgered you repeatedly for the reason behind the choice too. Makes one wonder.

I guess, below all that jaded experiences and tough words
I still believe in love stories. :B

So curious.

when we pray are we just closing our eyes

Feel like I'm under a lot of invisible pressure to perform.

I know I was more of a burden than a help. You were right to get pissed off at me. Sorry Edwin :C

I know I'm a slow learner. Sorry KP. :C

I haven't been talking to you much these days. Sorry Mom. :C

I suck. Sorry, self.

A quote I chanced on a book: "Never saying Sorry and Thank you is key to being successful." I can see why now. How can I ever be successful if I'm always bowing my head to others?

no time for consequences

I havent raided the toilets with you guys yet :/

get a grip
dammit

the girl and the robot

So insecure.
Saw roulette accepting peeps on fuckbook, and it ruined my mood completely.
Who are those people?
Is that a lady?
I wonder if they screwed before?
I wonder if he screwed all his lady friends before?
What's he doing now, busy charming another lady up?
He's so popular, it's as if we're from two different worlds
How?
Does this mean its impossible to even try for a serious one?
Those advances in the past, those hints, what do they mean?
Were you even slightly interested? Or did you just see me as another easy meatbag?
Why me?
Why me?????????

i dont understand
i cant understand
i dont know you at all.....

You keep bouncing to the same song

Moving on.
Will take things as they come.

Very thankful to have so many nice friends beside me.
I'm one lucky ass.
HELLYEEEEAAAAH

Sky's too blue for comfort

Couldn't sleep the entire night. Can't even keep track of the amount of times I tossed and turned on the bed.

I'm feeling even shittier than usual, actually.
What is love
This is not love
This was never love

Dear god
I hate myself so much

dirty numb angel, boy

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE.
WHAT HAVE /I/ DONE.

Don't know whether I should laugh or cry at this turnout.
Maybe I'll just do both.

YOU PROMISED NOT TO GO IN TOO DEEP, SHAN
WHY

wazzzza

this feels so different :E
no pining, no disappointment, no butterflies.

And it's okaaaaay

Had a super long convo with the mother. Lady actually knew I was crushing around since Day 1, but kept quiet about it to save my ego. Teehee. Can't fool her.

She agreed I made a good choice to give it up though. And she's proud of me for that. We went a little more in-depth after that, but I guess I won't touch too much on that here... it can be pretty controversial teehee.

Talked to her about the infidelity issue.

"I can't do it. I keep on jumping ship."

"You gotta have willpower. These temptations isn't gonna end even if you get married. You'll have to keep on rejecting these distractions. This is responsibility. When people talk about having responsibility in relationships, this is exactly what it means. You're responsible for maintaining this bond."

And she gave me this look that told me she really understood my problems. That told me I wasn't alone as a flutterfly.

So I'm sitting here now, typing, thinking about my current situation. What am I doing, treating this as some kind of game? Oh, I need some spice in my life, maybe getting a fling might do the job? Hey, boyfriend for a day? Will you still be proud of me if you ever came to know about this one day?

ah

trying not to think

but who am i fooling; time's still moving on
tsk ;E

I enjoy green tea

Oh, don't say that, Ame
You have no idea ;/

Every single time I make someone smile comes a few days' worth of gossiping and careless hating behind it

Because I'm nasty that way

;/

Oh no

Need to wait another three months just to say sorry ah, shan |:

No one's singing songs for me

Of two totally different worlds.
Could fight but is this worth fighting for? No. :/

Either way, I should apologize...

Sigh.

O mother, I wish you could guide me through this
./kowtow