arrr

tired ahhh.

it'll be easy to just write everything off as depression and give up.
but i cannot just keep on running away

too attached to things i shouldnt be attached to |:

burning bridges everywhereeeee

oh my

havent been updating...

life's going okay.
been day dreaming a lot; since fusion ended, i think.
Always dreaming about the exact same thing, for 6 whole months.
Maybe that's what I really want in life. I don't know.
For an artist, it's kind of terrifying to see that my craft totally had no stand in my desired lifestyle.

It's not that I haven't been looking for opportunities. Gave up the moment I gave myself a chance to fight for it. I don't know. Lol.

I love art, but I don't like the art industry...
Maybe someday I'll end up doing something that I'm able to roll with ;/
I'm sure there's a comfortable spot for me somewhere.

I don't like this job enough to list it under my profile, but I won't quit just yet. Love the people, hate the stress. Gonna try my best to finish up this 1 year. 2012 July 18!

swimming

he said i was a realist
and a kinda steel-hearted one, to boot

he didnt say it was a bad thing, either
haha

but i think everyone's the same, deep down inside
we just choose what qualities we wanna hide, which that we wanna amplify
there's no good or bad
we just are.

observe, dont judge.

lol

to anyone

fitting in well with the workplace!
gotta still keep being cautioussss
never know when the super epic stress will come!

But for now
I love my job :'D
Great colleagues!!!

kids

lack of chemistry, lack of time

impossible, lol.
amid crazy proposals and conflicting interests
i've decided to not walk down the path of trouble

if you won't stay in the light with me, then i guess it's too bad
you'll have to walk back into the shadows yourself
._.

Developing teamwork and chemistry
I want to push and force also cannot happen one lol
I guess the recent new happenings in life helped me see that.
Though it's regrettable I had to pull down another unexpected passerby before I realized how misled i've been
Lol
It has been one hell of a week.

Work's fine, life's fine

haha.
Surprisingggg.

the end of

Disappointed, basically.

Disappointed by everything. With myself. With people.
I don't like playing mind games.

Ahhh.

Things are actually better in office because everyone is really trying their hardest to stay upbeat, lol.
But in here, during the weekends, its like... a tsunami of depression.

I know what I want, but it's impossible to get hold of it now, lol.
Lost my reason to fight, kinda. l:
Everyone is telling me to do this for myself, which is probably the most logical suggestion too.
Carve a path for myself, I will. Lol.
Such a lonely war to fight. But it will be won.

Maybe if I'm stronger
if I can take on more stress
if i'm more confident

I'll finally be able to take charge of my own happiness?

I'll be the one in control?

haha
sometimes i dunno if im doing things to protect myself, or to attack people
maybe its both

such a messed up personality i have.
either way, here's to a new week.
hang on, shanina

shut up

you chose this path
suck it up, deal with it, and rock on

jar of hearts

homg
feels good to hold a pencil and doodle again

SHAN
YOU CAN STILL DRAW!!!
YOUR SKILLS ARE STILL THERE!!!!!

lol
monday
step aboard the meat train again

but i kinda like work
i like the distraction it gives
i dont have to deal with shit outside of working life when im in the office

hell yeaaaaa

pop

lol

took it off, tore it down
ready to jump in, full force!



i will be better.
in the name of my past failuresssss

palette

dead tired

i'm very happy in the room
and that makes me sad

because i know... this situation won't be for long...
haha.

i feel a lot of detachment now

on one hand, it's good things died before life gets rougher
on the other hand, it feels weird that i'm left with only a plastic figurine to go back to.

feels weird that i can just breeze through overtimes without even flinching
when in the past
i'll practically schedule my life around the clock
it just... feels weird.

'could have been', that's the way to put it.

glad my friends dropped by today
really thankful
:)

ive a teacher watching over me too
teacher, or colleague lol
...teacher, i guess
he'll always be a teacher to me

these few days were awesome because of that warm fuzzy feeling
i really felt that i matter to people, at least :)

mebbe everything's really for the better

magnolia

so I went on a final shopping spree and got myself a cork board, among other things.
pinning the little souvenirs from the past proved to be more reminiscent of the old times than I thought. haha

7 movies in all, over these 4 months
1 grad show
1 cycling trip over at pasir ris
countless dinners
and little individual meetups, shopping trips, chillax sessions

this post graduation break... it all ends hereeee
it's high time i moved on to the next stage of life
I'm already one month late, haha

I'm sorry this gap month(s) can't go on forever

I'm sorry I can't force my heart to go with my head
Sometimes I feel like the biggest idiot on earth
But
I don't know
I just can't
lol.
I'm an idiot.

Was thinking about shifting things back to normal
then I realized
I don't even know what 'normal' stands for in this situation. Honestly lol.
before everything exploded, there was no contact whatsoever
Is this the 'normal' status things are defaulting to?
Does this count as friendship?

How did everything happen, again?

??

So much questions
But I still ended up never talking about it
As usual

I'll look at seanana and his potential lady friend
and I'm like
daaaammn
why can't I be more like him
so smooth, so focused
so... lucky
lol.

I don't wanna cause anyone anymore trouble
but I get the feeling a lot of loose ends aren't tied up yet
for me, for a few others

Could let everything settle and disappear under the dust
Like the past
But that's the loser's way out, isn't it
it isn't really fair to everyone
if so
what should i really do, lol


tell me

.

wasted your turns

i'm not a victim ._.
don't need sympathy
though some understanding would be nice

electrique boutique

bought myself some a jayssssss
was an unexpected buy
since i came in half intending to get skull candy
but the sales girl pitched me a jays instead
wasnt very convinced until they told me that yes, the earphone has a casing!
rofl
bought it immediately after that

phone wise, im getting an android phone. iphone really not worth...
36$/mth + 480$ upfront
no way, lol
no waaaay

hair's done, too :> i'm all set.
I'M ALL SETTTTTTT!!!!

hahaha
today was a good day.
shopping with friends never felt better.

dont need to worry about impressing people
looking stupid
just go out there and anyhow everything
hahaha

had a long talk with seanana yesterday
about love and life in general
learnt a lot
i hope i gave him enough knowledge in return, too
very excited about him finding a new honey bunny
high time that lazy ass got a move on with life lol

this is the way love is supposed to be, isnt it
surrounded with support and positivity
i wish you the best :D
dont forget to update me can alr
LOL

jbf

it's time to let go and cut it off

new hair
new phone
new earphones

;_;
my wallet is feeling the burn

still having second thoughts about everything
but i guess
if i dont change those stuff now
i'll never get another chance to

i'm too stingy to allow myself another chance to get new things

lol

i can't believe i'm feeling frustrated over shopping

typical female
hahaha
is this even worth blogging about. lol.

wait,

life.

all four of us
what is going on, lol

i don't wanna go through the trouble of dodging shit
lol
sick of it
stay rooted and see what happens

this circle
is here to stayyyy
no matter what happens

|:

maps

this month has been interesting
way too interesting for my liking

errr
nowhere to go but onwards, i suppose

not feeling sad, not particularly happy either
...
resigned is the word to describe it, i guess

new jobs, new issues with hanging out, new way of life
...whatever, lol
i don't really care
get this transition done and over with

runanana

o____o

enlightenment!


and with the confirmation of my failure
came a huge wave of gloom

looks like i'm walking in the wrong direction again...
just keep on trying ah
till i become someone i'm comfortable with

on a good day

i don't feel like me
feel myself regularly preparing myself for the worst
always on tiptoes

is this the normal way to treat life, lol
being so careful

things are going great
but i kind of miss just throwing my head back and acting recklessly stupid
not caring about whose tail i step on
but
haha
of course that's not gonna happen

this is the curse of growing up, i guess
we learn |:

i feel a huge self inflicted pressure to not screw things up lol
scared of failing
dunno if i'll still have the luck to have a friend pick me up

the fall will probably be extra painful when it does happen
i guess

:(

but aiya
lol
whatever la, first world problems
i'll survive through it
other people have it worse than me

what am i even complaining about.

subwoofer lullaby

ahhh

smile no out

:/

its like there's suddenly a dark cloud hanging over the entire social landscape lol.

sometimes i feel like we're all just spamming scripted polite messages to and fro haha
so much things and high risk areas to avoid touching on
i guess that's the difference between being 'friends' and being true 'close friends', lol

hopefully we can all work together and pull the sun back into the scene again

:D

set fire to the rain

i'm happy
but apparently not happy enough for the world


hahahaahaaaaaaaa

damn scared ah
of losing everything

but no one likes a depressed little lady, right

so i guess
i'll just have to suck it up
and be even happierrrrr

can one
caaaaan one

stop expecting so much of myself
i already managed to adjust in a week
im already changingggg
it's fine
things take time

can't expect myself to wake up and be a badass immediately

as long as i dont stop trying

caaan one


go for it
go for the job
go for the new chapter in life
go for the changeee

superbass

life's been doing okay. not much happening.
doing a lot of waiting, mostly
trying to get things done while doing said waiting
it has been a little quiet the past one or two weeks?
waiting for people to get out
waiting for people to get back to normal
waiting for something to happen

haha
now that i typed it out
maybe instead of sitting and musing
i could just move and make something happen instead

initiative
i'm being pushed to develop them and add them to my personality list
such is the tough training life gives

renai circulation

nothing interesting has been happening in my life, but it still feels like there's a tornado in my head haha.

1) job
2) being there, being honest
3) trying to be a nicer human being

three simple points
yet excruciatingly hard to achieve

my sis caught me smiling at my dinner yesterday
she caught me frowning at my dinner today
lmao

i'm damn thankful she's having her holidays now
at least i've someone to rot with
talk about life with
even if i have to keep it vague
haha

sucks knowing that we'll never be as free as before
but i guess that's the way of the adult life
also good ah
forces me to be more independent
saves me from creating tragedies

i'm gonna try to make everything workkkkk
not proud of my past
but my future's still unwritten!

sleazy bed track

things have come full circle o__o

if i could turn back time
i would still opt to make all these mistakes and bad decisions

just so i can get to this ending again lol

thanks for giving it a shot
:>

(F)

spineless

like taking two steps back for every one taken the right way lol.

i wish i had just a little bit of my old arrogance back; looks like i've gotten too soft and useless over time

hardcore painting self learning sessions coming up soon!!!

hey

really glad to see he's being watched over
i failed to break through
i probably don't have the correct personality to handle his antics too
so yeah
feeling extra grateful towards that guardian angel of his!
i'm sorry i couldn't be that good a friend
haha

i've one too
been leading an extremely sheltered life
nice people taking care of me
to say that i dont feel bad, feel like some burden
is a complete lie

one day
i'll pay all of you back
in fishballs and candy
mark my words
O:<

i'm kinda scared of tipping the balance
so i've been keeping relatively quiet about things
i dont think i deserve to ask for any more out of my current situation lol
but a nagging feeling's been telling me
that im not the only person acting dumb
maybe
i've been the stupid, oblivious one from the very start
don't even need to act
hahaha

sometimes i wish i had someone to confide in
hopefully i'll earn myself a new one in time


hahaha

durarara

looks like
i have no need to update much anymore

;D

cowbell

graduation show
no reason to go lol.
but I'm scared it'll become a regret of mine one day haha.

it's illogical
I'm clearly not doing anything stressful right now
So why is everyone patting my back and sighing with me lol
This isn't supposed to happen
I'm supposed to be enjoying my freedom hahaha life is being so lame right now.

but yeah, i guess i really am feeling super down
no more direction in life
selling out, lying, betraying my painterly roots for moolah
realizing that the art industry really might not be my calling in the end
miserable, to be stuck in this limbo

how do i find my purpose in life lol
is there a wiki guide for this

black and blue

its easy to see everything going your way when you believe super hard rofl.
is this the power of faith, hahaha
i dont know how to break the news


6th day of not doing shit, lol
so much to consider
do i wanna be a somebody
dont really care now, lol
id rather be a nobody, but still have everybody

doing a good job at distracting myself
waaaay too good a job
hahahaha
but
damn
this is like the first time im playing in multiplayer w/o getting yelled at lol

ttys

wow
ran out of fucks to give

I:

i dont feel so well
but i'll probably survive it

all is violent, all is bright

tbh i havent been initiating much
every once in a while ah
but probably not as much as i wanted
friendships are so hard to maintain o:
focus on one, another will disappear
man
now i realize
the 'advice' ive been giving j is as useful as a pile of steaming turd, lol

just a girl

realized ive been talking about the exact same thing for weeks
things really need to move, man
im itching for some progress

hurricane jane

just 1 year
may as well go through the hell beforehand while all my peeps are rotting in the army
at least i wont be missing anybody
right
right??

some of them

nail through the socket
owww

hard to teach people what's right and what's wrong without sounding like some long winded asshole lol. but it gotta be done, i guess. being the older sister comes with unreasonably big responsibilities at times. lols and smiley faces come in really handy at times like this.

time is ticking ticking ticking lol.
dont feel like leaving just yet

sweet dreams are made of this

proud to say that
i had a lot of fun tonight :)

happy to see that things are going so effortlessly

;)

till the walls

if im that initiative then i wont be me already



lol
came down to this conclusion while chatting
being a bit selfish and demanding on my peeps ah
since im always relying on them to break the ice

TELL ME IF YOU DONT MIND MY DISTURBING OKAY
THEN I'LL DISTURB
LOL

sleeper

played around w/ the sister

dragged out every single damn instrument we owned
recorders castanets pianica guitar
almost the violin, but we remembered its broken hahaha

i taught her how to read a score
she taught me how to just anyhow whack

we learnt something important from each other lol
my guitar's in a very bad shape now...

went through a few music sheets
played random ditties
:)
so this is how it feels like to jam lol

we really invested a lot in music lol
i didnt realize our house had so many hidden treasures
it a pity mastering music takes more hard work than pure instinct, for our case
but ah well whatever playing with it every once in a while would be good enough for us already

for some reason
despite everything
i still feel kinda emptyyyy
PROBABLY BECAUSE IM SPAMMING EMO PIANO SONGS IN THE BACKGROUND
i hope one day ill be the one playing lol

dont let them

the night wind was chillllly
reminds me of the reason why i liked ecp so much in the first place.
great to just lie down on the sand and look at the sky
and just let your mind go

:D

been chilling, talking
pokemoning
still a few months to go

krrrrr

woooow
my hair grew out in just 1 week
now its as long as my former length
lol
fml

still alive

today went pretty damn well

good company, good entertainment, good learning
at total ease

doodled like crazy
so much easier to draw when im not under stress to produce something useful/good

learnt how to play pool
did pretty bad
but w/e LOL

im happy i can mix well with peeps
i guess the stress and frustration is gone now that i dont have expectations
lol. just do my thing, have fun
i hope work and life wont strain our bonds in the future lol. they have their ns, i have my work. dunno how its gonna work out

we'll see

hullo

damn disturb lol.


lol
i think ill probably be happier doing data assets again.

the melancholy of

it's better to regret something you did, than to regret something you didnt do
speaking theoretically
if there were a situation where maintaining a status quo would only make things worse, but nobody knew what course of action would improve circumstances, what would you do?

Wouldn't you think that change, any change at all, would be the best for now?
Nothing will improve the way things currently are.

the lady who made that quote died in the end
because she made the mistake of changing things

what does that tell me LOL

sometimes
fighting to be the best
may end up exposing you to harsher conditions too

see the light

this awkward transition
where all of us started embracing this thing called hobbies and entertainment

but hey
we're all transitioning quite well, arent we

that said; i realized that im losing focus in taking care of myself lol
looked into a mirror and ... yeah. sorry, self.
these few sleepless nights have been tough on you.

spamming ROFLs and LOLs are a lot better than just sitting around and throwing comfort words at each other, i've learnt. though i doubt ROFLs and LOLs can last me through real life crises also LOL. gotta look for a balance.

sister and i have grown pretty close recently
happy :>
despite everything
she's still pretty cool, for her age.
i performed way worse when i was 13.

why is everything becoming so much better once im done with school lol
what is it trying to tell me

hex

seananaaaaaaa
teach me
:(

i dont enjoy being a block of ice either
why you throw salt everywhere

take that

it's 3 in the morning again

shan ah...
hahaha
it's still gonna end someday

what's gonna happen after that

lucky

不知道,不知道

back up, back up

keep rolling, rolling, rolling, rolling, UHH!

stubborn youth

i hope i'll be able to bring up happier topics to talk about soon. HAHA
our train rides back home are always filled with my sighing rofl
makes me feel bad for subjecting him to such treatment
I'm a pretty cheerful person!
It's just that
these few days have been extremely tough

but im glad i can smile on default hahhaaha

its damn easy to settle actually
open mouth ask can already

call everyone out and just open mouth and ask

pretty girl rock

had a very long talk with the mother
emerged feeling like the dumbest idiot on earth

the interview tired the hell out of me
lots of trick questions
lots of demoralizing prods
basically felt like a piece of shit by the time I walked out of the office

the mother said it was normal to go through this
apparently they're testing my personality and character
testing my confidence

apparently she went through the same shitty experience
but she made the mistake of giving up
only realized they actually planned on hiring her after she changed jobs.

I was like
OHHHH
OKAAAAY
LIKE THAT AHHH
CHEEEEEYYYYYY |||||:

Talked to her about other things too
Got my respective help and support back

Insecurity and lack of confidence is proving to be a major problem for me

Do I honestly think I'm not good enough to be hired/to have the most awesome peeps/to deserve happiness

YES, I REALLY THINK SO

lol
i'm like
another sean deep down insde

I still don't think I'm good enough la
But I'll try looking at myself with more self worth lor
Less hating, more self loving

think my jealousy problem will disappear once I get my confidence and trust back

then I wont stir up drama any more

:)

waiting for the end to come

to say that my innards arent twisted into a bunch of panic drenched mess is an outright lie.

I'm not ready
But I'll probably never be ready anyway

COME WHAT MAY, SHANNNNN

:D

above and beyond

suddenly
i wish i could go back and become sze yang's disciple

he would have known how to create these kickass electro tracks >:

he would have taught me how to do it >>:

>>>:

though making music is tough work
its like the maya of art courses lol
very technical
gotta know how to listen, gotta know how to play

the coffee is probably kicking in
I DONT FEEL SLEEPY AT ALL :(

and if the stars should shine

what is my purpose in life

suddenly
getting fame and money doesnt seem as attractive to me now

how come man

i thought ive been striving for that all my life

everything seems tilted in perspective now that i lost my track

@_@

im more confused than emo man
no one i talked to could give me a solid answer

its okay

come what may

blue skies are all we have

it was an emotional roller coaster ride

upsetting knowing i couldnt compete as well as i wanted
happy knowing that people still found me worthy of opportunities

finally got my hug from gail
after 2 years of waiting and regretting :<
one of the strongest, most cunning lady i've ever met
also one of the most fragile
ironically

think i found a friend with jD too lol
in just two days, he experienced me being serious, being high, saw me happy, watched me cry
hahahahaha

haha

ha :<<<<<<

how come i can only manage to forge nice memories before things end

iap
fyp
modules
now this

strange talk

read ms eva's post on overseas studies
i am
utterly
disgusted

partly why i am a little apprehensive about flying away

so much hidden hardships
no one to hold my hand and ease my way into the culture/mindset change

its a tough life out there

:(

i dunno if i can tahan through

trash the rental

thanks for sticking with me through the ups and downs, even after all the dumb shit that happened
especially thankful for the support even through this super tight period; i havent been paying as much attention these few weeks. been running to school, running out, running everywhere
but
yeah
thanks for making my growing process easier, with your patience :D
thanks buddy


on another note
thanks guys + KC tooooo
i dont think i'll survive the preparation period if you peeps disappeared

you guys actually made this 3weeks supah funnnnnn

(Y)(F)

it's raining again

almost there
two more days
come on, come on

fhdj

a couple hours after the mad rush and i looked at my works with calmer eyes

found a shitload of flaws and errors



is it even worth investing so much for a school event
high hopes = high disappointment lol
what if i came back empty handed
oh noeszxZxz
i emau one corner in my room



i think im just being grumpy because im feeling so tired and sick right now hahahahah
haaaaiya

wowowowowaojdagf

all hail panadol, pears, and water

come back, lucky

falling sick
fevering full blast
kitchen ran outta the appropriate medicine
GG
\m/

ANYWAY I TELL YOU GUYS ONE STORY

i always check my weight using the wrist method
looping my hand over my other wrist, and seeing if my thumb can touch my second pinkie joint

noticed that i can only touch a little below the tip of my pinkie now

fearing the worst
i stepped on the scale

GGGGGGGGGGGGGG
\M/

the end

cry me a river

feels super helpless watching a grown man cry

realized society sure has been extremely harsh on guys, when it comes to showing weaknesses and being human

today made me realize dudes arent invincible when it comes to emotions lol

the portraits ive drawn of males have always looked strong and prideful
maybe it's time for a change

haha

pewpewpew

ARRRGHDSGKJAH

mind = blown

The andy now was never the andy I knew in the past
A lot more confident, a lot more streetsmart, a lot more open. maybe too open.

I knew a bartender may lead a life wilder than an artist's, but damn lol.
Girl cheating guy cheating both cheating
hooking up, separating, flinging, revenging
tattoos clubbing fashion trending
dude
what the |:

If my peep can say my life's like some channel 8 drama show
he can be one of hollywood's movies already lol

Suddenly
I felt kind of... i feel like i know nothing?
Still a baby playing around in the game of life, havent seen the darker side of human nature yet


算了, 脚踏实地的走下这条路吧

and now

weird
didnt watch any weird things
went to bed early
still not working

i still feel so tired, that's the worst part
feels like i havent had any proper sleep ever since a few days ago

=___=

aston

another creepy ass nightmare

im starting to see a pattern in causing all of these mindscrews: watching unsettling stuff way into the dawn, and waking up too early.

then i remembered
oh
that game was all about getting people to wake up from their comas, too.

I made my own trip into the other side because I played that game at 2 in the morning, essentially burning it right onto my my subconsciousness
-______-

aiyo shan ahhh

gifted

i believe ive been massively distracted with the goals in hand
Having too much fun?
Yes
I think I am I:

One-sided storytelling could easily tip boats the wrong way
Cringe worthy.

Man
Cooping myself up in a room is really not helping my quest to happy go lucky my way through the week |:

fiasco

mindgame

strangely captivating
weird movie, weird animation styles, but... hm. leaves a huge impression.

an hour's worth of family bonding
: >
fun times

for some reason
we're growing pretty tight nowadays

everyone's learning how to have fun with each other lol : >

butter

okaaaay
i will try thinking like a guy for one week

how does it feel to literally zone out and not think about anything
i shall find out

O_O

talking to ames
business major vs art major
learning a lot from each other
he wanted to create a platform for designers to sell tshirt designs
then i told him about threadless.com

chikaboomzxzx

i wanted to freelance
he told me about the factors to consider when setting up businesses

chikaboomzxzx x2

yes
yes, life is toouuugh

wait what

why you dig up the open fields ive been admiring for 19 years
why, government

DDDD:

o_o

o_____o

._____.

actually
its okay la ._.

im probably just being paranoid
.____.

people seemed genuinely okay with me leh
._____.

i think its just my guilty conscience acting up
._.
eat more lipstick eat more lipstick

i know

sometimes
i really need to hand it to myself xD
my curiosity will always end up putting myself into lame situations

apparently im not done throwing up and out the revolting aspects of my life
how many more tubes of lipsticks must i eat, sub conscious self?

would the wind know

i like the way he draws guys
i dont like how heavily i am influenced by him

in a very :S kinda of situation
not in the worst case scenarios
but definitely not doing super well, too

i think
i actually may already be starting to panic about my future
new environment, new people
i really dont wanna go back to scrawl man O_O
dont think i left a very good impression
considering i didnt manage to singlehandedly pull up a 3d team
O_O

aggghhhhh

jujube

a tale about hopes and dreams, and everything in between

super condensed version of a lifetime of laughs and tears, haha.
Talking to Jake and my mom made me realized that the current workload I've given myself is impossible to finish in a week.

So I sat down and sliced off the content by 93.2% lol.

tarp surf

you know one of those days where you wake up feeling absolutely great
Good hair day
Good skin
Zero bloating

Then BAM
you realize that it doesn't matter, since you're just gonna stay at home the whole day anyway.



hahahaha.
Just kidding : >
Today's gonna be great
I can practically feel it
Meekakitty's such an inspiration, man
It's a new day, new daaaay

afrojack

19th feb - 9th mar
17 days


19th - 25feb; jujube
26feb - 4mar; redesign, portf organize, source printer
4th mar; print the rest, troubleshoot

6th - 8th mar; MOVE YOUR ASS OUT OF THIS ROOM BEFORE IT STARTS GROWING ROOTS

pidgeons

funny how we all knew better to even bother asking about whats on our minds

suddenly
i dont feel like reaching out so much anymore
later kena burn how

|:

who's that chick

not suited for coffee man

commotion

lol
im starting to feel like wen lei
more privacy, less baring

will you still

=D

this time

trip with kc back home went eventfully
decided to screw it and tell her everything
she seemed like a nice person ._.
Turns out that .. yeah she is.
I'm glad I confided in her.

I have some severe jealousy issues when it comes to certain friends man.
And the ironic thing is
I'm supposed to be a person who craves a lot of freedom and space.
XD

I can never understand it
I have two equally close friends, maybe one closer than the other
I'm fine with letting go of the closer one and giving space
but the other one i'll cling on like some crazed maniac

What's wrong
I don't know
you tell me

xD

my god.

...
.

it's a miserable feeling ._.
i'd rather not get the surprise at all.

wow

time to put my goal to leave w/o regrets in action.
well.
its so easy now that i actually jumped into it
|:

weird

jujube, you will cry for me
find my rosa for me
live onnnn

Imitation

The end of the school term doesn't feel like an end at all
O_O
I'm still here
Sitting in front of the laptop
Working away

In fact, I feel even busier than my module days.

With me in full control of what I wanna do now
I feel like the standards for my performance should increase too

This is like the last thing separating me from ultimate freedom with my life. Make it worth the heavy symbolism, lol.

This trade sure requires a lot of discipline :|



actually
joan burned through so much people herself
but she's not ashamed of it
im starting to wonder if i should even bother feeling bad for being myself, lol
why push yourself down for the sake of looking 'human' :|

post801

And I'm down to the last day, mission unaccomplished.
Another 3 weeks to the next chance, one that I know I'll end up failing too.
And it'll just keep shrinking until NYP disappears from my mind lol.

The logical step is to try
But
Is it even worth it.

-
look, shan
what do you really want to do
animation, illu, graphics
you cant accomplish everything you wanna do in just 3 weeks
make a damn choice

不要问我从哪里来

我什么都不知道
别再问了~

looks like
some people have figured out what im going to do the moment this ends

... hahaha. :'>

everything, will change

vday.. i 'll dedicate it to us.
Two bummed young adults looking for a break in their lovelife.
Hahahaha

How fucked up is this
Two estranged friends who left over love
Now coming back to comfort each other over the same issue

I'll give it a shot.
I wish you luck, too :O

meltdown

this is the worst
this is it
since the killing blow has been dealt

i may just well just go ahead and unburden myself of the other issues.

settling things w/ e.
one down.

2 more to go.

wait

crashing of laptop is making me not want to turn it on ever again

a flash

I know i'm a pop art kind of person :O
I want recognition.
Passive aggressive with my approach to that goal but I know that's what i want.

But I'm having doubts about being a sellout lol.

It's easy to ride on the anime bandwagon and throw out 10000 cute looking anime figurines, take the money and just run the fuck off.
I like jap pop culture, yes, but not enough to get me to want to wholeheartedly jump into their world and swim in it. BUT I CAN. If i want to.

Or I could build up my own pop empire myself. It's going to be hard, since there's no more coattails to ride on. Gonna be up to me and myself only, to make it work. But hey. Jonny wander did it. QoD did it. endling. And I know I'm a lot happier designing stuff that's SELLABLE. Honestly, freelance mattepainting /illu cant earn that much, since they only work on prints and artbooks.

With graduation day looming over my head
it's getting increasingly hard to find a good foothole to grab on before my school disappears from under my feet.

Back to my dilemma.
Easy way out or impossible dream?

I think I'll juggle both for now...
Really need to talk to someone abt this. Someone with experience. WHERE ARE THE TEACHERS WHEN I NEED THEM

|:

to break it now
or to do it later

im deathly afraid
not of the confrontation
but of the consequence

because come on
i have enough targets on my back already :/

麻木不仁

终于明白了.
原来我在吃醋啊.

跟以前的自己没什么两样嘛, 哈哈.

也好
就用这一天
让自己反省反省一下吧.

stomp the enemy

It's a matter of going for that impossible dream you want or just settling for something easier.

A super easy decision to make, but only /if you have the time/.

butterfly on your right shoulder

I HAVE DECIDED
STYLE SHIFT IT SHALL BE
FUCK FUSION'S STYLE SPECIALIZATION, I'LL BE A VARIETY PERSON INSTEAD
I WANNA DO EVERYTHING

the quickest way to die

is to destroy your own laptop

sstar

tired

-
i should have just shut my mouth from the start
situations like these went so smoothly when i didnt make a big hooha about it
when there's no one to make a big hooha about it
when i didnt incite anyone to make a big hooha about it
i knew more good'll happen if i talked lesser
blame it on your megaphone mouth and insecurity, shan
megh
hahaha

... IRONICALLY...

i also know i should have been honest to alot of people

i get the feeling im doing more harm by swallowing it and shutting up
it's either ruining friendships or feeling super negative about the burden forever
guess ill just take the risk, drop a few bombs

we'll work it out if both of us are mature enough about the issue, i guess.

i /will/ do this
leave without regrets!

Paper planes

Then it hit me.
We really are, slowly, clearing everything.
Working our way towards Fusion.
We really are going to graduate.
It feels so surreal.






Let's keep things casual, please
I feel so uncomfortable

pray for rain

烦.

serotonin

double standards

I chose to feel it

and you couldnt choose

i.
am really happy :O
The ice with them has been brokennnnnn

Champion

Great day out!

Thanks Jake, Fernanders, and Raymond for the help this evening! Even though you guys don't even know of the existence of this place.

Thanks Jason KOH KOH KOH for everything + the company!

Thanks Mom dad sis for the support and love!

Thanks, that particular card from Ernest's booth that gave me so much comfort!

And thanks, dude, for being an inspiration.

Change did come :D And it sure did come in in a big way.


So close your eyes, and make a wish
Today's the day that I am fighting you
It's my turn to beeee, a cham-pi-ooonnnnn

So shut your lies and count to three
I'll take you down and you'll be smithereens
Its my chance to be
A cham-pi-onnnn

feel it in my bones

fell down stairs
shoes died
bad hair day
shitty art hist installation

but
today was also the happiest day of my life

made a new friend
stood my ground
smiled
helped one out
and
I
.
felt like i was on an equal level.

High hopes

am I allowed to say that I'm tired?
No, not really
not at all

drawing
>skeleton
>a2

digi
>clr test
>final
>anim

audio
>voice
>tweaks
>report

fusion
>2more

portfolio
>6more

Is it still love you want

Or are you just looking for someone to blame.

Come on man
I don't have to take your shit. You know it.

This song is multiplying my anger @_@
Power.
Feel like bitch slapping some random passerby.



Wistful.
I don't understand it, but yeah.

Only girl in the world

Great colour scheme.
Gonna implement it in my next work \m/
just realized its the exact same colour scheme as PaSwG, just lighter and more saturated.

There's this familiar vibe going on right now. This is the space I've wanted and tried so hard to get. Almost nonexistent, but still there. Silly little girl, you. You masochistic or something.

louder than words

"what's this, dad?"
"beer"
"you're giving me alcoholic drinks while i'm focusing on my work?"
"yeah. there's another bottle of it in the fridge if you want."
"hahahahahaha thanks man"

It tastes pretty good.

Paprika VoA - by W17
Portfolio - 28/1
Fusion Portfolio pieces - 28/1
Digi Tonal - Weds



tomorrow:
drawing 70%
Art hist - details

No stress

Holy shit.
THEY HAVE DANCE MOVES FOR ELECTRO.

HOLY.
SHIT.

Looks like my kind of dance!

forgotten path of time

I was hesitant about clicking it
Thought it was going to be some cheesy unhelpful bullshit
well
It was cheesy. But very touching in the same time.
Kept on thinking she's gonna break into tears anytime soon lol haha.
But what she said was right. Don't hate, don't hide, don't bottle it up. FORGIVE.


I can't play music

but here i am

still downloading score after score.

just for kicks.

enjoy reading them in time to the music

but i hope

one day

i'll actually use them

-____-

TDL (W14)

Paprika VoA - by W17
Portfolio - 28/1
Fusion Portfolio pieces - 28/1
Digi Tonal
drawing 70%

in soul we trust

wow.

almost pulled off my cover by letting things slip.

weird.

Is my wonder mirrored, I'll always ask myself. Is it?

TDL (W14)

Paprika VoA - by W17
Portfolio - 28/1
Fusion Portfolio pieces - 28/1
Digi Tonal
drawing 70%

sadness like water

WHY CAN'T I BEAT YOU.

knock me out

I thought I saw you again.

That stature.

Chatted with Mel, and the topic slowly drifted. Got a bit of updates, seems that you're still as busy as ever. Sometimes it hurts to be a somebody, I guess.

Oh well. Took a photo for jervis. I'll upload it here as well just for the sake of it. Because I can.

And as you can see, art and appearances take up about half each of my attention......

Valentine's coming soon. Looking forward to it, and dreading it at the same time. The inevitable sticky end is coming. I just hope I won't end up on more hatelists, hahahaha. But at least I can have the chance to start on a clean slate, relations wise. No mass cards and gifts this time round. I now know how certain unintended actions can produce drastic consequences.

BLESS EVERYONE OF YOU INSTEAD

AND I HOPE

I'LL BE BLESSED TOO

Cemetery Drive

Edit:
You have no idea how happy I am, to feel so appreciated. These little bits of praise and support goes a long way. I'll never have chosen to be a painter if no one was there to cheer me on. It's funny how I only drew because that was the only way I knew how to get attention in the past. And it just stuck throughout the years, despite the fading cheers, and me getting outshone.

Thank you so much, random stranger. :')

First request of 2011.
Broke out my new watermark for it, hehe.
Been wanting to do this layout for a long time now, but had no idea how to go about colouring a huge field of wheat. Felt like a lot of work. I guess his request kinda acted as an excuse for me to plunge in and try anyway.

And damn, I was right. I SWEAR I'M NEVER GONNA DRAW ANY KIND OF A FIELD IN MY LIFE ANYMORE HOLY SHIIIIT IT WAS BEYOND HELLISH TO RENDER.

Will probably throw in a spine and back insert for him too. Since Gwen will bitch if I give her anymore half finished product sets again >.> Oh wait I don't need to. It's an E-Album. HELLYEAH

Need to draw more fields YIPPEE YAY (so much for my promise to not draw fields anymore)

He wanted something free and open, but after drawing this... I get the feeling that the children are crying in front instead |: An OH MY GOD I FINALLY SAW THE LIGHT TEARS OF JOY TEARS OF JOY kind of moment. Which makes sense. We're all trudging through an almost endless field of wheat ourselves. I'll cry if I reached the end too.

...Man. I really like this picture.

TDL (W14)
Sean's Album Art - 21/1
Paprika VoA - by W17
Portfolio - 28/1
Fusion Portfolio pieces - 28/1

60$ - Monday 17/1
Assemble A&D Final - Monday 17/1
Digi Tonal - Weds

whiplash

I don't find it funny right now
Just want my ma-ma-ma-money right now
I'm on my way to the party right now

What's with all that hatin' going on right now
Why do you look so unreasonable and selfish right now

edit
GOD, FUCCCCK
I COULD HAVE SHIT MY PANTS
would be lying if i said i'm not feeling unsettled right now |:<<<<<<
I get the feeling
my existence causing all the hating right now
what else can i do homfg, I already distanced myself, I'm being as obviously equal as i can be |:<<<<<<<<<

On another note
I'm starting to like drawing animals

TDL (W14)
Sean's Album Art - 21/1
Paprika VoA - by W17
Portfolio - 28/1
Fusion Portfolio pieces - 28/1

60$ - Monday 17/1
Assemble A&D Final - Monday 17/1
Digi Tonal - Weds

i still need you, sometimes.

Your eyes aren't smiling.

Sean's album art.

Review report.
Paprika dub voice acting.
Digi Matte tonal. Resketch.
Sphinx assignment. Touchup Sketchbook.
Art hist expand.

/Find Shawn Weds
/Fri find Gwen

Let's get the party started rightttt

Sean's album art.

Review report.
Paprika dub voice acting.
Digi Matte tonal Resketch.
Sphinx assignment.
Art hist expand.

/Find Shawn Weds
/Fri find Gwen

Two identical Tanyas showed up at my doorstep today. Opened the door just to scream my head off from the shock. None of them said anything l:

Until I finally got over the shock and got pushed out by the mother. It's then that the first Tanya started doing this horrible screech that sounded suspiciously like a disappointed cry. Then it lapsed into silence again, and just watched me leave.

It's the first time in ages since cats visited me.

Creeped out.
Maybe I should get them some tidbits
Just in case they decides to come visit me again

DVNO

Sweet mother of oat
MONOCHROME CONTEST ENTRY, COMPLETE.
Gotta thank Erneststst for critiquing.

And now, on to Sean's album art.

Review report.
Paprika dub.
Digi Matte tonal.
Sphinx assignment.
Art hist expand.

/Find Shawn Weds
/Fri find Gwen

PLEASE STOP PILING UP, WORKLOAD
PLEASE STOP PILING UP YOUR OWN WORKLOAD, SHAN




So caught up in my mission to save myself
That I went on full defensive
Never knew how strong it already got until someone smashed headfirst into it.

Uffie

Kesha's predecessor???
Justice has this super trademark sound to it. Not a lot of bands can pull it off.

Realize I'm only looking forward to certain days of the week. I'm dressed to go but. I suppose I could do my work at home too.

Gonna try to take over dinner preparations tonight. Been wanting to try my hand at cooking, more and more. Trying to whip up better stuff. Womanly instincts finally seeding in this wild centaur's heart? Hahaha nah I think I'm just dead tired of the month-long porridge spam.

Looked at my photos and realized that I grew older. Face looks more tired, dead. Eyes not all round and inquisitive anymore. I'll stare at the current photos then turn back to my profile picture. Sad case man. Only a matter of time till wrinkles come.

Gotta aim for a photoshoot before I grow even older man :O

fascination ends

One night in M312~

And the rain never did end.




I'm just floating with the waves of change.

Been pulling out my paddles and adding in to the currents.
Inching, inching

I hope I'll be able to leave without regrets. So little time left.

I don't have to live anymore

Finished the contest entry
Could have been better, but baaaaaaah
;/

Really like the band. They have this subtle badass vibe about them
I'll gladly give up my smile and wear black all day if it means that I can look as mysterious and cool as them lol

I am yours now

Finally got around to listening to this band he recommended.
Super chill.

Art hist proving to be a major pain in the ass for me. Redo three times already what the fuuuck

Been thinking about this for a bit. There's only so much time left to make a simple decision. It's so sudden.

Tanya

Dreamt that I rescued a black cat and she stayed with me from then on. Named her Tanya. Even when the dream ended, we were still happily living with each other |:

Been a while since I had such a pleasant dream.

Adele

Voice of an angel.
Didnt even bother trying to listen to the lyrics; her voice by itself was pure gold.

Gonna do up a doodle + contest illu latarrr
see if i can finish this sending thing soon

celestica

Alice and Ethan share this bond that I really respect
Lady ran away from home at 14
Ethan found her at 15

And they've been together ever since. Not as lovers, but definitely more than friends. They had their rough times, she had her tantrums...

But they always made it out okay
Growing together. Watching out for each other.

Their relationship is a huge reason why I'm so crazy about them :D
They kind of remind me of my own parents, who saw each other more as great friends, rather than lovers

Omote

And I continued blundering on.

i was trying to remember your name

''Through the looking hole; A3 Layout Mockup
''Paprika dub; Cont
''Morning Latte prologue; Fuckin......draw :|
''Identity; Get a final out
''Future plans; Consultation
''Manga/Anime Repeating Contest JANUARY 2011

GET IT DONE FRIDAY



the perfect faceless playmate
i'll just lie in bed and wait for hours
so hard to sleep.

Though it kinda feels like a relief now. The daydreams are blurring.

Life feels so much better now that I'm smiling again :I

Mr. Children

''Through the looking hole; A4 Skeletal Mockup A3 Layout Mockup.
''Paprika dub; Find music
''Morning Latte prologue; Fuckin......draw :|
''Identity; Concepts
''Future plans; Consultation

GET IT DONE FRIDAY.

/
http://www.newgrounds.com/audio/listen/385883
Chanced on this while sourcing for Paprika's bgm dub.
Dude. This guy's life sucks some major ass.
Respect man. I'll do my best to honour your beautiful soundscape |:

panty, stocking, and garterbelt

WHICH OTHER SHOW HAS A BLACK PRIEST WITH AN AFRO, WHO GOES AROUND TOUCHING BOYS AND READING PORN?!?!?!

the crudest humor, the dirtiest dialogue
if you look closely, you can see lots of phallic images hidden everywhere

I LOVE THIS SERIES

HTT

shit
the last few eps were serious tear jerkers

but i wont beg anyone to stay this time round, no sirrrre
there's only a simple line separating 'bonds' and 'burdens'

though
i do hope that
we'll leave on a clean slate

May past issues be resolved, may current friendships be blessed
May all of us be allowed to move on with life again