-25-

sian~ so im blogging again lol.
thought abt it for ages. still thinking now. but i guess my mind officially gave up being useful. lawl. drifting everywhere. conflicting advices and view and opinions and ideas and yadda yadda yadda. everything feels so jumbled up. but i dun wan anyone to make up their mind for me. ironic. haiyo. sometimes i really feel that im stupid. but being too clever aint too good also. sometimes its best to stay naive and ..i dunno.. view the world as a purer place. haha. thru my eyes now ah.. the world is very the contaminated. haha. discrimination and ranks. remind me of Kira.

i wan deathnote D: maybe double copies of that book also can D: or make it triple. then any obstacle will be .. exterminated! scribble and -tiew- they drop dead. shuang. too bad i dont have the brains to make full use of it. reminds me of 28 dec. wahaha. deathnote2. sad. cant see le.

EXTREME DIETING IS NICE
Though i dont recommend it lol. these few days i practically starved the crap outta myself. then when i walk over to the mirror.. i dont feel like smashing it anymore. i was like. zomfg, i swear my face is thinner by 2mm!! lawl. im not anorexic, just in case. it was a case of pure determination.

want learn guitar -.- but no chance. am i really that ill fated with music?! feh.

looking arnd for music files and free d/l sites. help appreciated if theres info. i can only find anime song sites. ><

I lurked at maplesource de forums there today~!
Felt abit sad as usual.. memories. got the i-am-ignored-feeling whenever i saw my ex posts. also found out got simi quarrel things going on last time. but.. its not my prob anymore lol. i shd stop troubling myself with old memories. after seeing my posts..felt quite disgusted by the wrong words i said last time. i always hated the old me, even if it was just yesterday. im a perfectionist when it comes to pleasing ppl. i guess. haha.

-24-

argh. --'' felt breathless today also..wa these few days.. sibei tmd torturing..kek. the feeling of not being able to breathe properly.. waseh. i thought i was gunna faint or smth. ah. at least its not painful.. wah -.- that ritual. even worse.

hm. still quite bitter. very bitter. one day no audi = one day of foul mood = one day of extreme dieting lawl. also no appetite to eat whatever crap in front of me la. hai. bitter. bitter. bitter! z. i just need a stupid license to reach my goal lor.. amatuer TT kns. still stuck at clubber, tmd sia. i just needed one more day~~~ lol. shd have continued chionging license ytd lol. abit heartpain. haiiii. wan chiong lan next year. sec4 = free time at btm half of year. bwahaha. olvls. lazy to care lawl. wan jiu fail laaaaaa! roar!

maybe im going maple. either bootes or aquila. but most prob..aquila. since i wan a priest more than anything now LOL. plus can pq :x and get rich :x and stalk my maplesource friends .. bah. nah. i think they forgot me, for ive forgotten them during my audi days too lol. but bootes got josh =.= i owe him favours lehhh. =/ how. aiya -.- heck care -.- stand by game nia, still wan think so much. yea. so its either pink or snow. pink. or snow. roar. still cant decide TT

Gerard Way is chio can? LOL. got the pretty boy face. how com his bro look so diff =/ Mikey. alrighty. i shouldnt comment lol. their faces also cannot be contolled :x but i wan Gerard de face shape..ROAR. eyes too. i wan to drop my so called..made for cuteness de face -.- even tho i think its just plain.. rounded la. i wan smaller eyes~ longer lashes~ sharper face~ haha. might as well chop off my head and put new one there. but i found out that the eyes prob can be settled thru my specs lol. wear specs liao jiu got the..more grown up look. lawl. fits just nice with that layered shirt and tie :x and plus my mascara.. bwahaha. but i duno who ill be wearing this for lol. got the feeling that..however nice i look.. its also for nothing. cant find friends, cant find people.. yadda yadda yadda..

zzz.

reduced to this state. tmd. forced to play games just to waste time. they are like forcing a introvert of 15 years to suddenly turn into a hyper extrovert in.. 1/2 a mth. wa.ha.ha. amazing. later still need anyhow chiong tuition work.. argh.

I LOST MY LEAD PASSWORDDDDD..! LIDDAT HOW TO DO HOLS HMWK YOU TELL ME!?!?! ....... wtf. who the hell will remember la -.- GOT PAPER TO PRINT WORK DUN WAN PRINT EH!?!?! SEE LAAAA ?!?!? TECHNOLOGY ..TECH WAD CRAP MAN.. =.= nvm. now i got excuse not to do any work liao. humph.

argh.sad. sad sad sad. but nowadays maple de community is really getting nice lol .cannot deny. the jerks all left for other games liao. can get free fames and free smiles without asking lol. but.. still wan audi.. TT my license ah.. my amature rank.. my items.. my friends.. my music.. TT

-24-

gee. i dunno why, but i always feel so blessed to be alone nowadays. learnt not to take privacy for granted the hard way.

looking forward to sch.. yea. then i can camp in lan shops and play to my heart's content. haha. sorry wq and hl~ maybe im really not made for studying.

very the peaceful after some thinking and complaining. haha. very lucky. smsed the moment i retreated into my room~ so of course grab the chance to call lor~ tho it was like 15mins~ but im happy to be able to talk to other people for once. talking to parents is getting .. very.. boring.

i swear to myself that i will stop , stop STOP all sorta posting or bringing up of the situation/ topic/ whatever after today, 3pm. since there is only one last problem to tackle, ill do it myself. i have the right to choose my friends! roar!

btw.. asking all friends of mine in sch.. mint, jiahui, pks, josh, ken.. who else .. yea. thats about it. alright. im asking about my character ._. did i really.. exploit you guys not? i can swear im really sorry if ive hurt anyone of you in the past. maybe i did, maybe i didnt, im not sure. but sometimes keeping quiet doesnt mean that.. im being aloof. >< size="1">
-deleted post- hah. i forgot i swore not to let everything out.

--
waiting for the night~ waiting waiting waiting. thats when i decide.. whether i shd escape or go on.

..escape.

wee . found links to the lyrics.
http://www.imnotokay.net/my-chemical-romance/lyrics/this-is-how-i-disappear/
i dunno who this song shd be dedicated to lol. diff parts of songs to diff ppl ba. i guess. but its the.. closest song i can get to my feelings.
http://www.imnotokay.net/my-chemical-romance/lyrics/under-pressure/
^ this too. tho ive never really heard the song properly..but yea.
http://www.imnotokay.net/my-chemical-romance/lyrics/disenchanted/
...if i go on im gunna list the whole site down -.-

ah. mcr. macabre. tsk. but i like~ wahaha.
that song from fish leong was nice too. bev send to me de. saddest of sad la. but id rather go thru that than this situation.

-23-

fwoo~ can someone teach me how to clear everything in the url bar there~ i cant seem to settle it. wont matter, ive hours of time to try~

my plan half worked~ hard to understand~ but only half succeeded~ and im already quite satisfied for that result~ so yea~ i still cant escape the suffering of having to go on ear spraining sprees~ and additions of counselling~ but~ at least i slammed my views and ideas right smack in their faces~ now they know, now they know.

now the main prob is the .. wadaya call it.. have to fix my character and way i view life . learn to treasure friends and blah. --'' ok la.. no comments again.. but.. wo sui bian~ keke.

now the only irritating thing left is... hl..cl..!!!! wtf --'' wished that they ...zzz. everyones panicking instead of me la --'' leng dao~~~

and..yea.. ~

i think my body's dying off soon. gah. early morn jiu tio all kinds of pain..torture.. ytd jy went to knock against me and went " wah ..you feel very cold leh" then cast me a look that said im weird , then ran after the rest. tmd -.- need to visit some kinda health specialist i guess..

-random post script-

Fuck la -___-
walau -.- people thought it through liao lor. i finally made a decision, told it to bev. yay. felt like crap. but it was the correct decision. i guess.
Already decided to back down and stay as friends. if both sides are unable to do so then ill go the last way. ill really cut off everything. I know what im doing. but got chance ..i need a chance first.. then ill go clear everything up. yea. its the best way le lor. i already took a step back. why cant you do the same?! if we keep on going against each other its gonna leave everyone scarred de lor. -.- unreasonable people.

willing to talk.. wo pui . talk simi sai.. talk in the end all end up shooting me orders and not even trying to understand my views. i hate listening to orders de. esp orders without considering my interests! anyone who went through it will surely learn from it and just cut off all the talk. useless. waste saliva for wad right?! kns.

and yea . i got lie. i DID lie. but not totally -.- its half truths. but ill still count it against me. lie lie lie.. you all duno WHY i wanted to lie -.- only know how to point out my mistakes and shoot like siao. i resorted to this because.. you all cant freaking listen to me and get what im trying to tell you! so i can only use my own ways to get what i wanted.

cut off ties cut off ties..cut my foot la . youre avoiding the stupid problem instead of facing it. cut jiu so wad?! cut liao i go back to normal meh. shit man. i can tell you straight life will get worse. alot worse. very. cant you gimme a chance and lemme settle it MY way first -.- you said im still immature and all that. so let me learn on my own lah. ppl learn from mistakes de right. lidat shield is also a problem wad. --'' contradiction.

you said why cant i be like other people and be reasonable, be normal. then ill say why cant you be like other parents and give other people a chance to be friends? her mum knew all abt it too lor -.- everyone's equal. see how peaceful her side is liao.everythings fine. now look at our side. wheres the problem? EVERYONE IS!! i admit i have faults. but you cant freaking say that youre standing on the right side all the way. you guys made mistakes in handling this problem too. -.- . only know how to blame me and complain how hard being a parent is. blame la !! blame summore!! blame me and everything will go back in a -poof- isit?!

what crap is this.

ill repeat my words again lor. i know you care abt me. but youre showing it in the wrong way.

pure force will end up making me worse. same for threats. im just telling you my character. its up to you to see how you use the info. dont regret the consequences if you guys decide to continue your way.. your style. being your child does not ..DOES NOT.. mean that i have to listen to your every command. i want my views heard too. i want the solution to be DISCUSSED with everyone of us. DAMN orders. same for parents too actually. you all dunnit to respond to our every demand wad. so we cant respond to your every demands too.

ill list out the truths -.-
Josh is REALLY on the midnight flight to china.
He REALLY had two accounts.
I DID NOT say im being despised. its twisted thru ppl de mouths.

zzzz. ill add more if i remember em.

and yea. -.- thats abt it.

-22-

ok~ i dont want to update the ex post lol. lazy~ no time~ and no mood~ keke. ytd argued all the way till 2am sia --'' but i can see that im adapting to it .. bleh. was calm and calmer. expected all these lol. just didnt expect to be betrayed. was about to explode lah, but after listening to her side of the story i relaxed again. haha.. had no choice. if i was her i wld so called 'betray' too. above all things, i just found out.. i hate to be misunderstood the most lor.

and i feel so misunderstood right now. --'' im not freaking contradicting myself~ i just messed up on my half truths. i DO NOT have split personalities~ i was just abit emotional. and.. most of all.. IM NOT SUFFERING FROM DEPRESSION!!!!

--''

its an.. insult to me can. everyone is piling all sorts of mental illnesses on me --' im ok~!! its just that i cant say stuff out sometimes, thus i resorted to saying half truths. and saying too much half truths means its a total stress on emotions and your memory. geddit?! but at least they admitted to checking my blog la. zz. underestimated .

plus~ i think i have my own views, and it sorta clashed big time.

after analysing, i think i found the main point in our clashing views that got everyone in such a fix. im not gunna.. list it out or what lor.. but i know now. tho its abit too late. wahaha.

today was abit pathetic. i was stoning away in a corner lol. the adults all thought i went bonkers or wad. hl said " wah.. last two years when i saw you ure so damn hyper de lor. now like half dead lidat. duno what will happen to you in the next two years sia.. ah soh already ah?" ok la no comments. but thats when i found out that not being able to contain my emotions inside me anymore is not a good point -.- was forcing myself to stay calm for half the ritual. was so close to flooding the void deck again.. budden mum told me to control and stuff. keke.

grandad didnt rest in peace. lol. we were scared like hell la.. but after repeating the prayers again and getting everyone to apologize to his tablet.. heng -.- but its common sense to feel angry la.. no one was there to look at him one last time before his death. sad. packed the bones inside.. and.. yea. thats it.

thought im gunna faint anytime soon just now lol. gastric -.- nowadays they just cant freaking disappear!! tahaned all the way from noon to now --'' lucky its fading.. or i wan scream out ler.

i thought about this le. the moment everyone gets tired of all these = the time to end this chapter in my life. or maybe my whole life. depends. so yeh. i get the feeling that everyone is bidding their time away~ waiting for the first person to drop out of this test of patience and endurance. then.. an ending wld be reached. i think i can survive this, its getting easy. but im worried abt the other parties lor. can see that all of em are getting sick of this liao.

theres only a few ways left lol. msn cant be used. josh is out. so its either be so good at acting as a stranger that even im fooled or .. i havent thought of a new alternative. but acting .. have to pay a big price ..in rl + vl . so also cannot. -.- ah well~

-21-

Today has proved me wrong yet again. It was.. - no offence- a blast. lol. chatted with wq and hl abt studies~ swimming~ maths~ and loadsa crap. i was struggling to stop laughing throughout the whole ritual -.-''

one scene was worth remembering again.
''Nu xu shi bai de hor" = means "in laws wear white de hor" in eng.
i heard it as..
"Ni Sapphire hor" = "You Sapphire hor"
blanked stared at aunt LOL. then i got it -.- wdh.

i grew taller~ keke. maybe 160 now. when yy stood beside me and wq.. we went wtf lol -.- too freaking tall.

Tuna talked to me lol. is it that obvious that im having problems? but he guessed wrong. luckily. i was going all polite on him~ but deep inside i was actually smirking at his.. i-know-it-all attitude. wahaha. but its nice of you guys to help la. lol. even tho.. you guys nv audi anymore~ but xie xie for remembering me!

im getting very very very very very hooked on the audi movie soundtrack. my mood totally changed when i heard it LOL. its nice. but not too cheery.. not too sad. perfect! im happy~ so long nv hear such kinda song themes le. but getting my sanity and calmness back is not totally good also -.- my hand sudd feel so pain lol. regret putting the cuts there -.- cannot put plaster.. surface area too much -.- zzz. but its been changing into a habit lol. today the ritual was sian as usual.. and i started scratching my hand for no reason again -.- hl, yy and ay kena freaked out .. and hl grilled me for it la -.- bbq-ed.

ok i take back my words. i hate tuna -.- bloody hell. zzzz. i thought he changed -.- so he didnt. damn. shdnt have trusted him again.

im changing le lol. even tho i still look like zombie on the outside.. i can see/feel that my character is .. getting different.. le.
[1] i cant bottle up any more negative feelings anymore.
[2] i freaking laughed today.
[3] i actually welcomed happier songs.
[4] im off gothic. tho black/red is still my fav. but no more goth. im going towards the fashionable rocker kinda style.
[5] (:

-ill update later-

-20-

wee~ its a total screw up~ wahaha.
starting was fun. remembered one scene.
was burning incense paper. lol. shiok. feel impt. fire can~ wahaha. me and my 3 younger cousins stayed in the tent lo, they read and play while i burn. then wind come~ fire extinguished.
i went like.. 'wtf' and all 4 of us blank stare at the ashes for duno how long lol. then all 4 of us suddenly scream like sky fall lidat LOL. i guess~ deep down in our hearts.. we still have a bit of superstitious thoughts in us.

bad part coming -.-
when yy and hq came.. i was downright ashamed of my looks LOL. they are too freaking good looking for their own good liao :x aft that came wq. ok~ didnt dread the arrival. instead it was the opp. but given my bad mood from the verbal sparring with one of my cousins .. i guess her talk aint helping me much. made me worse. so i sobbed my eyes out for the wrong reasons during a funeral -.-
of cuz kena scolded lol.

now im referred to a counsellor. -.- relatives thought i tio depression or smth. bleh. but..haha. maybe i really am... but i die die wun call the counsellor de lol.

hmm..today sucks. but not that much. at least i learnt to find someone to crap to when such stuff happen~ wun suffer so much.

have to worry abt tmr tho. zz. the ppl sure ask why i lidat tonight de.

..

zzz!!!

anw~ heard that ken joined a guild in audi. =O hmmmm. dsky. reminds me of another guild. -.- but anw~ still sibei worried. -.- trigger word LOL. duno how they will react if they see the word.

''woah~ dun join this~ stay away~''

-_-''

expected LOL. duno if got enough stamina to cont the arguments next time. zzz. have to confirm details with kenny first~ wauhawhaw. but yea~ things are abit more sunnier than b4 le.

-19-

went to make my ic today~ hm. on both taxi rides~ my dad was yakking away to the driver lol. things wasnt as bad as i suspected. lol.

sad thing was the thumbprint. think i really troubled the ppl there lol. hai. sucks to be special in the wrong way. this angle cannot that angle cannot. sad. in the end took both hands de and my index. felt so bad.

but other than that im fine lol. took photo in classical guai kia look. cannot get fringe to cover eyebrow. sian.

then~ yea~ listened to mcr all along..and thats about it.


today is peaceful. bliss.

-18-

is heaven playing a joke on me -.-

my grandpa is dead.. today. more accurately, 10dec, 6pm or so. died in pain i guess. no breath. struggled. but. failed. heard that my aunt was sobbing her eyes out there. lol. im still in state of shock sia. didnt know his death can affect me so much. ive only seen him.. once or twice these two years. but hearing my aunts de distress on the phone ah.. i really duno what to do ah. ive never seen or heard them lose their cool.
my mum rushed out .. as in really rush sia. ran. threw the lock down and told me to lock door. i dont understand. really dont.
after hearing their stories on how bad my grandpa was to them..how bitter they were.. and now.. they are grieving. for his death. maybe i cant feel it. i still havent went through this situation. but im sad too. weird. why should i be sad.. after how he treated everyone. but i guess.. i cant judge a person by stories solely. we are..afterall.. related by blood. im his grand-daughter and nothing can change that.

rest in peace..

feel like tearing up everything le.. what is this compared to their suffering? feel bad. i was and AM still part of her burden. and now another has fallen on her shoulders. lol. the irony. ive just finished drawing my last work, wanted to end it all. Then mint's msg popped up. wow. got invitations to go out.. was so happy. finally. can go out and relax, cheep up, have fun. im not forgotten. whoopee.

then. the calls came. the news broke out.

now i cant go out anymore. and dont want to.

now im back to my sad old self. again.

......

whoevers in charge of my fate should run to the highest building and fcking jump down for all i care la. if you want then lemme be miserable!! dont make me go up and down the emotional roller coaster ride! what~ whadaya treat me as?! some kinda main lead of a disastrous soap opera?! i hate this. its NOT fun.

i know everyone has a sad story to tell. but mine seems more bitter and angry than sad -.- hell. i cant say this. there are people worse than me and i saw them. ah. im not the worst off. and .. here i am, feeling relieved that im still lucky enough to escape the bunch of people in the extreme bottom end of life. im sick -.- sick sick sick.

im going ..crazy soon le la. too much for me to handle. i dont want to attend any wakes or funerals. whatever. i dont want to leave this house. i dont wanna face the truth.

getting more and more agitated liao -.- lol. nowadays i slap instead of patting them. snap back instead of staying quiet. getting paranoid. when i hear voices in my head.. ill always walk to my door. righto. they are talking abt me. when i dont hear voices in my head, ill still walk over . woot. still talking abt me. reduced to maximising the volume of my music and staring at the desk. gimme a break la pls.

dreading tomorrow. really. have to go all the way to make my ic.

yay. i love my life.

-last min update:
have a feeling that this is just the tip of the iceberg. it cant be purely revenge. i sense betrayal. from a person whom ive trusted deeply. hm. going by the new info now, my theory about the issue should be utter rubbish. but~ ah well~ as long as his cleared im fine~ lalala~ but whatever that was about~ im angry. very. if my new suspicions are correct~ then .. i think im gunna explode. kek. but if they are wrong~ ..im still going to explode. -.- zz. too much loopholes.. being a detective sucks. i cant piece it together. its irritating.