-58-

UPDATED
Got a major secret out while sneeking peeks at my sis's com. Well, mine was lagging and i had nothing else to do~ so~ kekeke~ anyway.This chubby little 8 year old kid is currently married to a stranger and had a kid in <5mins.

I freaking saw her spewing out the three forbidden words: 'I love you' to him.

HELLO, 8 YEARS OLD OMFG.

of course, i did what every evil elder sister does. Threaten, blackmail. haha. but i stopped after the first try. Reminded me of ..me. In her eyes i saw true fear lol. Though she tried hard to hide it. Being in our family, she had the trademark characteristic of not accepting threats and scoldings. No one orders us what to do. We will stay stubborn unless you shove some proof into our face that states that we're wrong. Strangely though, this weird attitude only applies to our family and enemies only. Then, if we ARE in the wrong, of course, we will admit defeat and take on the consequences. Fair enough. This is also why our family seems so separated kekeke.
We argue 24/7.

But my sis didnt know that such acts were wrong. D:

Well, what is she, STUPID?!
LOOK AT ME! Im living proof ok. Sure, you felt so happy at first, BUT can you take the consequences when your cover blows?

I know you wont listen to me, i didnt listen to my cousin too. But really, even if i hate your attitude and actions, you are still my sis and i dont want you to go through the same thing. Ill do everything to stop you, whatever it takes. hate me if you want, but ill still try to talk some sense into that little head of yours.

finally felt what they were feeling when they thrashed me verbally. D: FRUSTRATION. my gosh. sucks being older. need to counsel more and more kiddos.

hmmm. replying to the reply post: The main point is not whether you can choose whether to fall in love or not D: Its on how you view relationships. You can make love sound like hell or heaven, its up to you actually. You can control everything ^^ Unless someone up there is really bent on ruining you life. To that, gg. ^^ But of course, dont admit defeat so fast la lol.

Random info: Circuses are scary and strangely, sad. Though ive never been there before, this feeling has been sticking to me for 16 years lol. Been itching to type it out because i kept daydreaming about it. That clown could be sobbing under that happy mask of his, who knows.

hmm, was reminded to post about the good old muahchee. ROAR. when i saw the three of them shuffling towards the door i was like -wtf- .. , but since the room is INFESTED with people, i decided not to do anything rash. but.. ahh.. muah chee. that long trip was worth it T-T I have food while you people dont muahahaha. go suffer.

returning trip was hella fun. -edited because i seriously cant remember which event came first. was too drowsy- but i know i stole a lot of food from people.
Summary: NP= food + people.

-57-(?)

Shan's Journey In NP.
the moment i got there, panic -yes panic- welled up inside me. i was like , omg, shopping mall ah this place, omg, drive so long liao still havent go round the school, omg, I SEE PEOPLE.

I see people packed together, closer than atoms in a solid.

things started badly but ended on a happy note. (:
pks wanted to go with his guy friends, so i went with mint and people. kenny joined me later.and doreen too, for a short period of time.

booths were BORING. i want hands-on stuff, like, example, those CCA kinds. i know those equipment are delicate and probably more expensive than my whole house put together, but cant i touch it ;_; we are sec4 ppl la~

accounting, sian.
tourism, sian.
media, sian.

omg theres over 100 ccas and loadsa courses and i cant find one that grabbed my interest. was total HELL walking in only 1/4 of the whole freaking campus. tired ahhh. when i went into the aircon rooms i was like " woah bliss, bless technology " its coldddd. ahhh.

tho one thing to credit np for, is its arsernal of shuai ges and chio bus. AND, AND AND AND. outside that CCA showcases was a kinda .. concert thingy.bands and teams were going up there to sing and dance. eh not bad leh, sounds like radio liddat. the hip hop dancing too. O:

found my favourite wall. (: i think. all the walls looked identical.

hmmm, nothing special happened, we walked , we walked, we walked, took some freebies, and walked. played a little prank on people, one of the tour guides. haha. she switched off the lights of the recording room when demostrating the to us some tricks and techy stuff. and probably scared the crap outta those people inside. hehehe.

everyone found some goals after the open house. MANNNN, why am i the only one left.. but who cares for now lol. i might be going towards retaining for all i know.

rained . i was drenched. pks, ken , jh and me were being little childish kiddos , stepping on every puddle, filling umbrellas with water and sabo-ing people, pushing each other into the rain.. nice to have people like him around. somehow he bonds the 3 of us together. and it works with everyone else too. falling sick soon, and yes ill take full advantage of that. may it blow up into a fever pl0x. please please please. dont gimme the symptoms only. T-T

I GOT MY IC TODAY!!
-SPAMS-
ICICICICICICICIC~~~~~
i dont care if i look like an idiot on the card, but holy cow, ITS THE IC !
-wub-
i feel older. i can smirk and take out my ic when playing at lan, while watching little kiddos taking out their little ez link cards wahaha. even though i was just like them a few hours ago.
MY GOD, ITS THE IC.

very very tired. you can gimme anything and i can sleep on it. D: be it nails or laundry. nodding off right now, just forcing myself to stay awake enough to complete this post.

-56-

i cant remember much again, somethings wrong. getting blanker and blanker these days.

Ytd night was not exactly the nicest night i had, broke record tho, slept <>_> dont even know who my teachers are, omg. best thing is, he confused me with my sis. dad ahhhh. aiyohhh. i think we really need to.. take some time off to do some.. bonding.

I want to throw a brick at someoneeee.
dont ask me why, but i felt that my kindness was unreciprocated. :/

jiahui complained to me that im losing my shape. getting too flat. time to pig out. but i cant. its confirmed. if i ever faint in class, it means the time for the truth has come. wahaha. com located in strategic places = no way to leak personal info.

stared at the mirror. felt my confidence coming back to me. dont ask me why, i wont show people the evil side of me on my blog. about my jawline, to jh, foundation will do the trick. im lazy to put nia. when this year prom night then i put on. D: ill create wonders with powder. ^^ great having a mum who studied such stuff. its in the genes omg. fake beauty.

no natural beauty of course go fake de hehehe.

here to continue my spam, was in maple.
hmm..let me recall..

someone noted that i was being very restless today. but how could i be when i was snoozing away half the day and during assembly? -_-

boring thursday. hoping that friday can at least do some credit for my suffering throughout this week. somehow. maybe i can steal some ideas. maybe i can find my handprint. maybe ill be hungry enough to stuff some muah chee down. i have an affection for chewy kinda stuff D: bubble gum! expired gummi bears! mentossss~! and of course my muah chee.

random story.
Part I
Muah chee and stone were fighting on the top of a building. stone got angry and pushed muah chee down.

Part II
Two men were fighting on the top of a building. MrA got angry and pushed MrB down.

Part III
What happened to MrB when he reached the bottom?

Part IV
He saw the Muah chee.

The End. lol. i said it was random.

-55- well, i promised myself ill do this.

-pokes title- i promised myself, so even if im dead tired ill still have to drag myself up here and.. i dunno. yak abt this link. (: will continue here tmr, darn. im really too talkative nowadays.

http://www.imnotokay.net/my-chemical-romance/gerard-way/
This. ^
Is Gerard Way. Look at the right side of the screen, that 100 x 100 pict. Pretty. -_- Eyes eyes eyes! i dunno how to explain la, but.. i dunno leh. maybe cuz its deeper set, and.. gives off a .. playful feel. haha..

i want smaller and more expressive eyes >_> sad.

Bryar looks okay too, but his eyes are like.. squidwort. -how to spell- where are his brows zomg.

wednesday
ok, nothing freaks me out more than realising what the problem was.
well, i didnt mean it! no no no. its just a habit of mine. :/ i dont want to die ugly and dry, alright. D: now cure it pl0x.

too tired to type much.. feeling very lethargic these days.

redeemed. ^^ haha. luckily you got me into trouble ytd, or else i wont ever get to know. But if i wasnt able to wriggle out of the situation youre still dead. count yourself lucky. ^^ cough. X:

but no la, i know i also caused their distrust.

anyway, thanks for this. ^^ cause more trouble next time pl0x.
you know what, i was totally shocked when i saw it. :/ why? cause it.. reminded me of my past. Thats why i always steered away from giving both positive or negative comments about the information. sian. My past is back to haunt meeee~ its impossible. but its also right in front of me! woah stress. -_-

how come?!

alot of stuff happened today, but its all jumbled. i link my memories with my emotions so yea. my mood went all weird today.

-random updates- too bored, so i forced myself to recall. Photoshop officially died, sad.

Morning.. was taking a little nap on mrt, then jiahui and minette GO SPLASH WATER ON ME ON THE TRAIN. well, mint gave permission, jh splashed. ok, .. i..

-___-

you two rock. seriously.
people feeling tired can T-T let me off la~

-54-

when i said im going to update, i will update. -pokes 52- will cont tmr's post from here.
9pm, 15 of Jan will officially be the most scary moment of my life. O: it just hit me zomg. was taking a break from cs, so i decided to cool off and stone in maple. then my thoughts suddenly went wild. at first it was okay, but as it got more and more.. realistic.. woah. it felt as if the people were really just beside me, and..

my god..

WARNING: ITS GOING TO BE A LONG POST.
Im going to skip most of whats happened today and record them in a summarised form.

[1] Its hell being unable to get any food down even though your are starving. felt like throwing up, but i cant because theres NOTHING to throw up. at least, i have a perfectly perfect tummy. for now. zzz. T-T

[2] I stained my pretty socks with bloodstains from my wound. again. damn. -_- swear never to wear those stupid shoes ever again. bleedy friction.

[3] I memorised the whole MCR album -.- see how bored i am. Now on for a new challenge, jap songs..

[4] I found out that my blog aint as private as i thought it was. but how come? i swear i didnt let anyone in class know the url.. and the people in msn never links me. except for some. arghh. but today was ..seriously.. LOL. i only realised how complicated my life was when the two of them approached me and gave me bits of mixed up info dug up from my life. You guys are dealing with two totally different people LOL. randy and wx. you two gong kias. -_-

[5] I was still giggling.

[6] FRINGE, YES, THE GODDAMN FRINGE. stop complaining to me beacuse i dunno how to fix it either! my jawline makes bangs impossible so quit yakking already. unless i .. go back to my usual emo hairstyle lor. :/ but i dun wan. finally get pony tail liao -yes i know its a short one- then tell me cut..

[7] I redid my whole coursework, and i didnt print.^^ i love myself, seriously.

but anyway, on to the main part of today's post.
I got very inspired when i saw yet ANOTHER extreme case. Yes, time to eat my words. I now see Two extreme cases of.. uh. you get what i mean. its THE forbidden word. spent the whole day musing about this.

i went back to my ex-ex-forum and saw a certain thread that caught my eye. I think they have forgotten me but not the other way round. anyway.
saw his post. was near obsession, that person. Posted in thread every few hours talking about how he missed his ex whos overseas.. how he plan to woo her back after 2 years of bliss.. and yadda yadda yadda.. FOR DAYS ZOMG. EVERY. FEW. HOURS. i got bored and fast forwarded all the poems and sad grovelling and theories.

then i reached the question that got me into a very very inquistive mood.

" if you can only fall in love once, would you prefer to love or be loved? "

ahh, yes. I asked some people in school..and ALL, yes all the answers are.. " Of course to be loved lah. Dumb leh you. like sufferings so much issit.. "

but i was thinking.. -yes im pessimistic. its safer that way- WHAT IF, the person who likes you is a horrible old bloke who never washes himself? Sure, you people can say that at least you feel important and wanted and all that. but to me, BS. wanted? more like haunted. and since you can only fall in love once, no way youre going to let this sad situation scar your life, right? And yes, you will argue that time might be able to solve this problem.
:/
but, my good friends, how long will that be? why suffer that period of time when there are other people that can give you the same amount of happiness and maybe more?

tho yes, i admit, if youre lucky enough and get the perfect person, youre in paradise. But, the risks are too big, no? and the chances are slim.. yes.. slim. very. If everyones so lucky the whole population would be married
by then.

now for the other choice, loving people instead. be the one peeping from the corner and sending hints everyday. yes, its mentally tiring, not really advised for people with weak determination. D: the emotional roller coaster.. is.. terrifying.
BUT.
you aint staring and looking at ugly old blokes. Youre looking at THE ONE. The perfect person of your dreams. for now.
Youre satisfied if she/hes happy, and thats about it. see, loving people is sometimes better than being loved. youre doing something meaningful at least. Trying to achieve something..not running away and being irritated by stalkers.

But, however.. theres always a limit to everything, you know. Sometimes, -well, provided if you are clever enough to at least get your facts right first- letting go might be better. yessss, i know they dunno my blog, thats why im saying this. never spit such words into ppls' faces. D: you'll die. bad. but if situations are unclear, ...
..
.
good going lol.

its either you ppl go the rash way and get answers out fast or you continue being cautious and wait. if the rash way doesnt work, something is really wrong >_> i mean, cm'on. Yes or No. even my pet fishes can do that. if youre being cautious, you just need bags of courage and patience. then work from there.

best but also the lousiest way, give up without even trying to get answers.

i only realised that i strayed away from the topic till now. wont elaborate on the last point then. -_- but i guess i wont delete, still makes sense. so yea, back on.

sometimes its nice to go against the current, really. if you know that youre focused and you know what the heck youre doing, no matter what the outcome is, you deserve respect. and i mean a lot of it.

so you idiots, take the first step lahhh. even if its in secret, at least you did right. -_- yes im looking at you and you and you. and maybe you too. D:

end of musing. -after rereading, it starts to lose its common sense rating- mannn. time to edit.

update: i just went all rude and angry at my mum! and its one of the rare times that im actually regretting. but she must understand, every teenager goes through this stage. im not as mature and old as you think. :/ im only 16.

-53-

New favourite word of the day : " awww ". I dont know why, but me and my friends are spamming it in every situation possible.

I was totally.. shocked today. wtf. was very very VERY ashamed of myself actually. ): minette saw the tagboard and asked me about it. i took a step back and went " woah ", not because that she knew, but because she even bothered to ask. LOL. Everything was so weird, its like, ..

i dont talk to sabrina, but today i did.
i dont really greet shark, but today i did.
i got distant from pawan and kenny, but we went back to our usual habit of eating waffles after school with jiahui O: .
i never walked to the other side of the class, but today i did. -well, forced to. collect money. not counted i guess-
i never talked in the morning, but today i did.

today is the best day of all, though very tiring.

i can sob buckets over it lol. so.. touched. thats why i kept laughing and giggling when i saw pks. ok, not really, but it made up 70% of the factors. >] its like, Yo guys, nothing happened, we're still us. nothing changed. ^^

i found out my weakness lol. without friends im nothing. without mental supports im nothing. you can spam all you want, im a deformed little baby, im a saddist, i suck, whatever. yes i admit i got quite affected but it went away the moment i talked to them. and its still not wearing off. (:

hahaha, to my friends, thanks. thanks for trusting me. for sticking up for me. and .. most importantly, believing in me~! i owe everyone a hug. claim the hug when you spot me.

Mr lim said you are actually being brave by committing suicide. haha, for you have to battle the feeling inside you when you jump. and yes, hes actually true la. last time in depression de shi hou, i was like "die die die". but the other part of my mind was " wah stop pls, pain pain pain!" and i was only at the.. safe part. a thin line only. -.- then from there .. i somehow.. dragged myself out of the shadow lor.

it really hurts la, but im glad the pain is behind me now. i feel so stupid omg. soo, yes. no way am i allowing history to repeat itself.

and btw, THE MOMENT I GET A BF, ILL SMUSH HIM UP YOUR FACES WHILE CLINGING TO HIM LIKE A KOALA. -_- im still feeling very insulted. but i guess i wont, feels so bad. treating them like object like that. but i guess nothing is impossible with permission given. :/LOLS. joking la. but im quite serious abt clearing my name.. somehow..

-btw- rest of my post got acci deleted by my itchy fingers. lazy update. will do if im bored enough. but its mostly just stuff abt my msn chats. (:

-52-

And without you is how i disappear
And live my life alone
Forever now.
-MCR, This is how i disappear.

i cant stop ..taking out snippets of their songs. I cant .. understand how the heck they can manage to turn sappy love songs into such a shiok rock act. Nothing to say lor. wow.

And did you know that in track 10, the intro and endings were actually gerard's own voice! he was in a lotta stress when his brother, mike, went into depression or something. gerard got so worried he started having nightmares and everything he wakes up from it, he will record the contents of the nightmare down. and yes. the intro and ending contains the snippets from the tape recorder. every song of them has a little story behind it one lor. at first i didnt like some tracks, but now, after reading their thoughts and stories, every song in the album simply owned. i know quite alot about the album now. interested people can ask wahaha. i did my homework kay. find me in msn D:

LAN WAS ALMOST SHIT, OK.
well, i enjoyed some modes, but the rest were hell ): liked it when i went into audition. even though i suffered from foul mood at the revival of the memories.. -well i doubt anyone noticed. im a good actress muahaha- ..i still managed to have fun and totally piss chad off with my noobness in cs. i remember there was once, i didnt reload. then bam.

and there was another time, was being killed by someone 5 times or so in a row, when he just promised he wont turn me into free frag.
worse was the mode that needs to hide de :/ i revive 1sec die le. shiok mah.

anddd well. ytd night's guild chatter was very very very interesting. they were yakking abt games from the start.. and of course i didnt participate, worse than greek to me. all that theory was driving me nuts. i was thinking, "walau, serious bo?! game nia.. analyse until so in depth.. you people ..are treating it more like a job than a game.." but of course i cant comment. i did in depth analysis for some games i liked too. :/ then someone noticed that i went all quiet and changed the topic.

ended up talking about.. violation zomg. nth to say, nth to say. >_>" need to slap some kinda parental advice label on this guild branch.

im suffering from cases of seriously low confidence. ): you know why? Cause i saw many chiobus in Bugis LOL. their eyes were mesmerising. and i was like staring ..staring.. staring..

but hey, i said i judge people from their eyes.

went home tired and sore. april and shan were totally beat. D: but yet. the guys were still in partying mood. HELLO YOU PEOPLE, WE SPENT 10 HOURS OUTSIDE ZOMG. even if you gave me your credit card and forced me to shop for 10 hours i wont do it. my god. heng we're sitting in the lan shop, or ill seriously need someone to carry me. -_- or get me a wheelchair.

wore my long black layered top/shirt with a lose tie + jeans + high cut shoes. D: looks.. ok la. surprisingly. clipped up some of my hair and let the rest down. i really want to snip off the fringe.. well, some of the fringe. but i cant. i need to let my hair grow in order to get the hairstyle i fancied. D: add highlights when i graduate from sec sch and bam. it shall pwn.

Talked to tuna!! gave my analysis on relationships.. got me all warm and fuzzy. haha. elaborated on hugging techniques and the thinking of a female. i felt like josh and semi talking like that. all that chim theories. LOL. um.. haha. he was being so sweet to the girl lol. i can see. felt abit of that .. feeling too. imagined.. hai. too bad i aint interested in anyone in school :/ i still have to wait. hah. i tell you, when a girl suddenly appears in a different mood whenever you walk over, dont ever think that she just acting happy. 90% chance is that you REALLY DID drive away her unhappiness. it just comes back when youre gone. just repeating from the chat. lmao.

My god. im melting all over again. haha. disadvantages of a soft heart.