-43-

i just found out something O:
im in this state because i deserved it wahaha.

today woke late and decided not to go orientation thingy, even if go.. have to return home to teach in half hours time. but i feel so damn guilty sia. i turned on the alarm, but i turned it off when i woke ..and.. fell asleep again. yay.

then it hit me.

whenever i meet some obstacles ill back down and try to drown my guilty feelings by doing something i like. in this case, in every case, i used the computer. i could go.. but i decided not to. i always take the easy way out =/ is this right? well, for me.. i would say yea. who wants a tough day? but it sounds so wrong. so i just .. shook everything off and played the com.

its like drugs lol. i kept taking it to numb myself, and when the effect wears off, the pain returns. double. >_>
im nowhere near ending this .. cycle.

bah.
dont care.
useless talking about it anyway. no difference.

rushed through ss project. and thats abt it. was hell teaching, dun wan elaborate. saw mvp moonlightflower (?) and nearly got pwned by her bad. i only managed to take 1% off her hp WITH aid of other mages. but i was amazed all the same.

how can yellow appear so.. mysterious zomg. i like ragnarok's art. korean art = pwnage. was in a very very very bad mood today.. but now it has subsided. abit.

its so So SO hard trying to change personalities, trust me =/ i cant do it T-T

-43-

this week started off well :D in a totally shameless mood ,btw.
cher said im good at forming basis-s and theories and stuff. -im creative. muahaha-
but im still not that capable of forming evidences to support them. -sad, i cant think deep-

haha. hmmm..feel happy lollollol. today its like.. no one ignored me sia. i was so shocked when someone asked me a question i forgot what was the freaking answer. wasted =/ but ah well. things might go on better, if i drop that cold persona somemore. somehow.

and i found out.. I SHRUNK WTF. Last time.. i swear.. SWEAR its 159 =/ HOW COME DROP TO 158 LIAO?! weight also.. 47.7 drop to 44.4 rise to 47.2kg. eeeeeeee. my heart shattered. must.. not.. go.. over.. 45!!!

mouth pain. injured. 1wk ler. how to eat T-T i think im the only idiot who stabs her own mouth with a fork lol.

saw someone's arm. on it was scratched two words.. i bet its a penknife which did it. the design is nice sia. LOL. i know im supposed to be scared and horrified but im not lol. O: she can be a good stylist.

found out something. Lil Ange. combine them = Lilange. [li-lange] yay i made a new name. but sapphire still sounds nicer ba. =/ but its for sure, next few online games im sticking to lil and ange. or both lol.

lil is inspired by an audi char, lilome. she reminded me of my OWN original lil, that pangya char. [LilClayDancer] so i sorta put two and two together and made 'lil' as my main muse, instead of 'gems'. Ange came from Angel, but angel sound too obiang so i took the 'L' off. Same for devil. but 'Devi' means 'Goddess' in a certain Indian language so i stopped using it. so i ended up with LilAnge, Lilange. haha. anyway~ lilome~ ^^ thanks~

-42-

tying up my hair is a pain, but at least no one found it so irritating they cant help but hurl. which is a huge surprise.

borrowed many supposed-to-be-read-my-pri-sch-ppl books and an OLD guide book from josh :O

YAYYAYYAYYAYYAY!!
i cant have any trouble making my godly items anymore O: i feel pro. but i still get ko-ed by people.

audition tattoo is zomg stylish. cant help but.. keep on looking at it. being sec4 is tough. youre given all the loads in ur cca D: crap. sad. no excuse to go off liao, feel so irresponsible ler. hai.

hmm.. new maths cher is nice, quite kindly.. and.. looks harmless.

plan to buy a thumbdrive O:

and some foundation to remake my face.

and thats abt it i guess...

btw sch concert is ...totally screwed up. the items are nice, but the emcees and the timings AND the wrong songs are total crap. but, ok la. i appreciate them O:

-41-

hm, alotta stuff happened today. new principal, new hairstyle -actually i just planned to tie it up tomorrow- and new maths teacher zomfg. no more slacking. z.

then kenny passed me the audi goodie bags -.-' sian. i cant do anything now lol.
i guess ill keep everything .. wont throw or whatever, just in case.

i was made a secretary. wow funds to steal. >_> hai. just hope i wont screw things up. why didnt i dare reject the offer again -.- not as if ill get killed right?! stupid me!! extra load now. -.-'

nth to say lor.

played niktout ro. hell, 12 hrs of dling finally paid off. but i cant forget my -amatuer- Sapphire Dsky_Fairy. wonder how come.. how come this can happen. o_o

-41-

ah. so my navi bar ended down there AGAIN. i didnt put graphics liao leh. how come. ah well.. ty for the two tags lol. nearly got a heart attk. thought i erased everything then suddenly two came out.

uh.. lol. abit speechless. abt the tags. but ty ty ty for the words and advices ah. haha.

one more day to school. ok i shant elaborate the feeling im having. zz.
its mixed with happiness + bitterness. happy cause i can escape from home, bitter cause.. well, duh.

its sick having to act stupid and pretend nothing is happening while everyone is whispering in decibels of 30 or something. im starting to think that they screw up more stuff than helping now. zz. still dont wan admit that they are taking my friends for inspections and slamming warranty signs on them. when everyones gone im going to double slam them hard. damn. no one treats my friends like that.

and plus, see. one simple call and everythings ruined le la. happy? eesh. havent it freaking dawned on you that im RECIEVING THE CONSEQUENCES FOR EVERYTHING YOU PEOPLE DO?! SO QUIT INTERFERING! even if i plan to go to the police, its not your problem anymore zomg. you people restarted everything. then you go, " eh we meant no harm one lor " you guys triggered it! now wan think counter attk issit. save it man. screwing up things is bad enough. STOP making it worse. >_>'

sian.

anyway, saving up my money to get my stuff. O: copic markers! and stuff lo. maybe a little guitar if i want. keke. self learn. the web is a great place.

and thats the weapons im arming myself for school. lol. plan to doodle away. fate's sealed. O: i dont even know the basics lmao, still want me learn advanced in sec4. hahaha watta joke. -.- i think ill have to bribe to go into poly or something le lol. seems impossible when science is at this standard. imagine all As then one F come out. wah kns. jump building.

suan le.
=/

edit :
i read a blog post from a certain blogger and was.. downright horrified by the jerk who chose to leave friends to reach his so-called success. NUS grad with honours somemore. its karma that he met with such a bad ending. hah.

but it also shoved the truth up my face. im not the only one with a lousy life. but i know things will not end so well for me. there will be no happy ending, unlike the blogger. im a person who will NOT try again after failing the first time. mind you, i have to stress, im very competitive in games and non academic stuff. very. but what the hell, ill still meet the same sticky end if i dont let down my pride.

gawd.

not my pride pl0x. i treasure it more than my computer.

-40-

yay, its the new year. im supposed to be happy. but why am i feeling so down.. ): im dreading every single minute that passed by. literally. kept glancing at the clock. didnt sleep till it reached midnight.

..i have to go through EVERYTHING again omg. its almost the same feeling as mapling and lvling, but even worse. its like..

" woah i finally leveled le sia. SHIOK! " then you look at the exp bar and groan. in this case.. im thinking..

" woah i finally survived this goddamn year and the exams. no more homework. SHIOK! " then i look at the calendar and groan.

I HAVE TO DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN?! HELL NO PL0X.

i feel like a stupid used notebook chucked over and over into the recycling machine. sian. wonder why people actually look forward to doing the same thing over and over again. you should sit somewhere and cry, seriously. you cant freaking break out of this cycle! you cant control anything! youre just a little puppet, just like the rest of the world, controlled by the gods above. youre nothing omg.

this is a tradegy O: not a celebration~

i dont know where i got my twisted views from, but its still my views. you can be a super popstar, be the President, be some kinda millionaire, but.. so what? Youre just one of the few puppets that They felt like showering attention onto. Youre still a little puppet. D: like us. roar.

why bother putting so much efforts into your work when it will just get taken away from you in the end? you aint taking your cert with you when youre dead, right? youre not going to load your pockets with money when you die and go into the afterlife, right? you can be good, you can be bad, you can be neutral, you still die. theres no other choice.

so why bother?

-39-

almost strangled myself in my sleep wahaha. i dunno why, but i woke up feeling choked and there was my jacket, wounded arnoud my neck. O:

i got my phone back. yay.

everything seems fine on the friends side. heng. i was so damn worried.. but i guess.. its all over :D we can always talk on our resting time in msn ah, no matter what game we're playing. hah. i only realised it yesterday. even better, stop gaming and learn guitar with me >_> then we progress to electric O: somehow. wahaha.

aiming for HIO. or -20s. im very competitive, too bad not in the academics side. but at least i still am. >]

found myself wondering about sec4 prom night LOL. and its still 2006 la. i think.. i die die wont go de. even tho it sounds very the nice.

found out my sis kept using acash even tho she doesnt FREAKING NEED IT. and everytime i saw her shes wasting it away. damn. i could have used it so nicely. the more i see the more pissed i feel. ah well. i dun wan use so much cash anw, in case i stop pangya for duno wad reasons again. must be careful.

and ..thats about it. got my tuition cher to go through the maths hmwk..and anyhw did eng. haha. the rest i give up ler. i swear science got leh. physics or something..