):
i havent touched my homework, my CA project, my JI presentation, my preparations for Olvl's CS coursework. and im so not going to look at the calendar.
i dont understand guys lol. not from my sch de. -.- as in.. guys older than me. that seems to be the case. lol. almost every single one i met ..doesnt mind unreciprocated love. and are currently involved in it. they will go on.. wishing.. wishing.. wishing.. for a miracle to happen. or something.
they wrote poems.. worries the whole day away.. blah blah blah..
hell, wont that be tiring?
why do they do that? whats their driving force? what will they get in the end? sometimes i have the urge to just .. type out a frank word or something in MSN.. but seeing how obsessed they are with the female.. i backed down and gave support lol. not that i disapprove of such acts..
but sometimes the pain is just too much to bear. why suffer from it when a way out is.. standing right in front of you? will you really be sure that she will be the one to walk the final road of your life with you? are you sure that she IS the one? no? then why the heck are you people.. straining your emotions.. worrying about something you should not wory about..?
sometimes there are things more important than love.. its just that you people chose to ignore its existance.. or chose to deem it useless.. or just didnt see it at all.
its time to step back and look at the big picture...
see what you have missed...
(:
Saturday, December 23, 2006
Friday, December 22, 2006
-31-
sian dao go do quiz lol. the ans kinda shocked me. every quiz i go.. they gimme the character Chi as result de. guess Chobits is a common victim for quiz answers. bwahaha.
*Your true form is....Mysterious. She's calm and quiet, and moves quick. You have a job as a shrine maiden. you're clairvoyant,but can't fully access your powers for another two years.
Shrine maiden wtf! no comments. but i do wish that i really had magic powers lol. zap and .. everything is solved for me. ill just sit and slack, and continue being the lousy person that i am~
--
lurked in a forum and found a nice site containing almost *every* genre of music. it got interactive GUI de summore. wtf. pwnt. i found latin + goth.. not bad actually. Not sad to a sappy kinda style, not defiant to those kinda rebellious feel. and its not happy themed. very dark, melancholic..not for people who loves the spotlight. bwahaha.
i have a weakness for those latin beats.. techno.. rock.. goth.. but sadly no mainstream pop -.- am i that different.
*Moby - In My Heart! D: it was in that radio ad lol. found it in that site. dont like it much tho.*
saw that im not the only one who trusted online-turned-real-life-friends more than normal real life friends. haha. maybe normal rl ppl.. we took each other for granted. online turned rl.. understood each other first.. and worked on it from there. so lesser quarrels and tiffs arose, for they did the basics first lol. most rl ppl is like.. just jump into friendship de. and understand each other from every difference they encounter during the journey. id prefer virtual ones then , thank you very much. tho rl friends are not bad also, but its just a matter of choice what.. i guess im standing on the middle ..and leaning slightly towards virtual. x:
another nice quote..
*And everything could be over, all these nightmares
But that was all it took to undo all my efforts
Nevermind, I'll try again
Time is on my side.
):
gosh. maybe im really that bad apple ): thats why everything seems rotten to me ): what can i do, isolate myself again? or get help and cut out the bad side of me? if so, who would help? why should they? how can they help? if im isolating.. where am i escaping to this time round? for how long? what will happen to me in the end?
choices, choices.
IF ONLY LIFE HAS CHEAT CODES! if only.
lost lor. everyone seems to be busy with their stuff. except me. maybe i should go learn something too. and say goodbye to this hermit-ish lifestyle? cant slack anymore..? ):
i feel like im ..standing in a deep deep well... with water rising every single second. and theres a rope right in front of me..i can just grab it can climb out. but the problem is.. i dont know how. -.-ill slide down with every step i try to take. maybe ill die in this watery grave, maybe i wont. i dont know the answer. but i do know.. im all alone in this well. ): maybe i hear people shouting at me from the top.. but all their faint shouts and calls are not helping..
*Your true form is....Mysterious. She's calm and quiet, and moves quick. You have a job as a shrine maiden. you're clairvoyant,but can't fully access your powers for another two years.
Shrine maiden wtf! no comments. but i do wish that i really had magic powers lol. zap and .. everything is solved for me. ill just sit and slack, and continue being the lousy person that i am~
--
lurked in a forum and found a nice site containing almost *every* genre of music. it got interactive GUI de summore. wtf. pwnt. i found latin + goth.. not bad actually. Not sad to a sappy kinda style, not defiant to those kinda rebellious feel. and its not happy themed. very dark, melancholic..not for people who loves the spotlight. bwahaha.
i have a weakness for those latin beats.. techno.. rock.. goth.. but sadly no mainstream pop -.- am i that different.
*Moby - In My Heart! D: it was in that radio ad lol. found it in that site. dont like it much tho.*
saw that im not the only one who trusted online-turned-real-life-friends more than normal real life friends. haha. maybe normal rl ppl.. we took each other for granted. online turned rl.. understood each other first.. and worked on it from there. so lesser quarrels and tiffs arose, for they did the basics first lol. most rl ppl is like.. just jump into friendship de. and understand each other from every difference they encounter during the journey. id prefer virtual ones then , thank you very much. tho rl friends are not bad also, but its just a matter of choice what.. i guess im standing on the middle ..and leaning slightly towards virtual. x:
another nice quote..
*And everything could be over, all these nightmares
But that was all it took to undo all my efforts
Nevermind, I'll try again
Time is on my side.
):
gosh. maybe im really that bad apple ): thats why everything seems rotten to me ): what can i do, isolate myself again? or get help and cut out the bad side of me? if so, who would help? why should they? how can they help? if im isolating.. where am i escaping to this time round? for how long? what will happen to me in the end?
choices, choices.
IF ONLY LIFE HAS CHEAT CODES! if only.
lost lor. everyone seems to be busy with their stuff. except me. maybe i should go learn something too. and say goodbye to this hermit-ish lifestyle? cant slack anymore..? ):
i feel like im ..standing in a deep deep well... with water rising every single second. and theres a rope right in front of me..i can just grab it can climb out. but the problem is.. i dont know how. -.-ill slide down with every step i try to take. maybe ill die in this watery grave, maybe i wont. i dont know the answer. but i do know.. im all alone in this well. ): maybe i hear people shouting at me from the top.. but all their faint shouts and calls are not helping..
Thursday, December 21, 2006
-30-
ooookay, its not totally fixed yet. i cannot see my tagboard and links -.- cant tag cant blog surf. ah well. maybe it will get fixed or something. later. - edit: ok,found it. graphics pushed it down. too big lol. its at the btm right side of my blog. it will be fixed when the post containing the sigs are pushed down~ im lazy to edit x: -
im now trying to get myself as busy as possible lawl. its the unhealthy way of forgetting stuff but at least im trying. the only way to prevent my thoughts from going elsewhere lol. blast music and train hardcore. yay. hmmm. hai.
i think too much = mentally tired
i play too much = physically tired
hahaha.duno wad will happen if i think and play at same time. implode diao liao.
ANDDDD tadaa~
MN is 100% + 1% in my care~ hail the administrator of a dead and almost useless forum! im freaking going to twist it and change its fate if i have the chance lol. a very very very big IF.
--
this song kept popping up on the radios -.- dunno who sang it, but its eerily.. similar to my thoughts lol.
*I know this is a wonderful world,
but i just cant feel it right now.
I thought i was doing well,
but i just want to cry now.
hmmm... getting me to laugh from the btm of my heart is impossible la.. but ive never really did. in my house, that is. which makes me wonder.. how come the words they used to describe me last time is ..at extreme opp ends with my own. i very cheerful last time meh. .___.''
my daydreams are changing again lol. abit cant bear actually. i had the same dreams for months. but this is ..less violent ba. heng.
going into delph again later, i dunno lol. maybe im just trying to work myself to death. bwahaha. but im desperate for 3rd job. d.e.s.p.e.r.a.t.e. haha. ill wait.. sooner or later.. everything will go back to being the same ler. boss, me... but not kenny. hai. audition ah..
i thought ill have to leave boss alone.. and now.. -.- its kenny's turn.
feel like a flitterer la -.- flit here flit there. forced to be a butterfly. leave friends here, find friends there.. -.- wrecked by guilt.
and btw, another lesson learned. dont eat ice cubes in this kind of sai weather. i ate one only.. then tio stomachache ler. stuck on bed. -.- 1hr. then suddenly.. POWER CUTOFF!!! no electricity~ i was like omfg.. no radio no com no lights!
feel so.. small. stuck in this lego house, cut off from the world. im really sick sia. no com no life.
im now trying to get myself as busy as possible lawl. its the unhealthy way of forgetting stuff but at least im trying. the only way to prevent my thoughts from going elsewhere lol. blast music and train hardcore. yay. hmmm. hai.
i think too much = mentally tired
i play too much = physically tired
hahaha.duno wad will happen if i think and play at same time. implode diao liao.
ANDDDD tadaa~
MN is 100% + 1% in my care~ hail the administrator of a dead and almost useless forum! im freaking going to twist it and change its fate if i have the chance lol. a very very very big IF.
--
this song kept popping up on the radios -.- dunno who sang it, but its eerily.. similar to my thoughts lol.
*I know this is a wonderful world,
but i just cant feel it right now.
I thought i was doing well,
but i just want to cry now.
hmmm... getting me to laugh from the btm of my heart is impossible la.. but ive never really did. in my house, that is. which makes me wonder.. how come the words they used to describe me last time is ..at extreme opp ends with my own. i very cheerful last time meh. .___.''
my daydreams are changing again lol. abit cant bear actually. i had the same dreams for months. but this is ..less violent ba. heng.
going into delph again later, i dunno lol. maybe im just trying to work myself to death. bwahaha. but im desperate for 3rd job. d.e.s.p.e.r.a.t.e. haha. ill wait.. sooner or later.. everything will go back to being the same ler. boss, me... but not kenny. hai. audition ah..
i thought ill have to leave boss alone.. and now.. -.- its kenny's turn.
feel like a flitterer la -.- flit here flit there. forced to be a butterfly. leave friends here, find friends there.. -.- wrecked by guilt.
and btw, another lesson learned. dont eat ice cubes in this kind of sai weather. i ate one only.. then tio stomachache ler. stuck on bed. -.- 1hr. then suddenly.. POWER CUTOFF!!! no electricity~ i was like omfg.. no radio no com no lights!
feel so.. small. stuck in this lego house, cut off from the world. im really sick sia. no com no life.
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
-28-
bwahaha. plan to perfect my photoshop skills in the years to come and make food outta it. (: somehow. ive thought of being media desginers and such, or ill be a webmistress and open my own shop, OR ill maintain websites for a company -i forgot what job name it is- hahaha. 1 more year.. to working. ouch. no more sitting-in-front-of-the-desk-and-tinkering-with-the-keyboard ler. hah. for ill get a laptop. (;
is there anyone who can teach me photoshop~ right now i can only create styles by chance lol. i feel like controlling the program and making it work for me.. instead of me changing my styles just for it..
--
mistaken lawl. its not dead, the thread. heart warming. suddenly felt like returning. and maybe throw in a few apologies. but ..nah. ill lurk awhile more.. and see. hah. anyone willing to suffer with me -.- delph, boots. delph got more ppl for company lol. but boots.. lv high. in my view. :/ but guild's deader than dead. delph..muahahaha. either either a priest or.. xbow. priest easy lv.. xbow is power..hmm. my past has been catching up with me. everything ive escaped from is back and staring at me lol. i thought i wld be able to forget all my mistakes but.. look whats happened now. hahaha.. maplenation too. damn.
is there anyone who can teach me photoshop~ right now i can only create styles by chance lol. i feel like controlling the program and making it work for me.. instead of me changing my styles just for it..
--
mistaken lawl. its not dead, the thread. heart warming. suddenly felt like returning. and maybe throw in a few apologies. but ..nah. ill lurk awhile more.. and see. hah. anyone willing to suffer with me -.- delph, boots. delph got more ppl for company lol. but boots.. lv high. in my view. :/ but guild's deader than dead. delph..muahahaha. either either a priest or.. xbow. priest easy lv.. xbow is power..hmm. my past has been catching up with me. everything ive escaped from is back and staring at me lol. i thought i wld be able to forget all my mistakes but.. look whats happened now. hahaha.. maplenation too. damn.
Monday, December 18, 2006
-27-
haha, new found respect for chinese rock songs. plus designers. these few days of random surfing really opened my opened my eyes. bwahaha. i still miss my audition tho. i think im going to spam this sentence in every post till i get back my dear ol audi back.
i found out smth! blood got the funny blood-ish taste eh? but when you roll it towards the back of your tongue its bitter! dun have the sour-ish taste de. haha. discovered it by chance. probably smth to do with the taste buds. read it somewhere but didnt try it with blood.
was wondering.. what if i continued with my violin lessons..? what if i continued with my fighting lessons..? what will happen to me? zomg, i gave up chances to stand in the spotlight! and here i am, staring daggers at the high heavens. maybe i really deserved this. i simply lack determination to get what i wanted --'' obstacles = end of journey for me. i could be a freaking black belt or violist now sia. hm. correct spelling ma~ zz. then i could walk the corridors of sch with no fear le. maybe even got pride. hah. zz.
also felt so small whenever im talking with my friend. he knows everything can -.- cant stump him. or am i really that dumb? hai. brushing up on my manga/ anime knowledge lol. reading and researching. sian dao lidat, you see!! last time i only depend on friend and trends de -.- but its also nice, i need picts for my siggy. ah well. back to max-ing the volume of jay chou music and random surfing again~
---
mid day was scary -.- got a terrible stomach ache.. then went to sleep. woke up after a super bad nightmare. and you think thats bad. the moment i totally opened my eyes, there they were. yadda yadda yadda.
lesson noted:
never talk to them face to face. its all useless trash talk that they dont mean. want listen jiu catch them off guard. haha.
i was laughing to myself in the bed all the way .. lol. all the lies i spout.. they didnt catch me. all the truths i said, they were using it to weave other stories of their own and slam the crap outta me. so in a bad way, i AM a good liar. wahaha. but its ok. ill maintain my silence. since only i know the truth, only i know the story, it shall stay with me forever. im LAZY to clear up this mess. haha. if you want you can slog over it, but im already walking away from everything. youre clearing the floor for nobody, man. if everything failed, i still would like to keep my successes to myself. oh yes. my thinking worked. i knew my blog still aint safe. hahaha. i knew it. nothing will stop them. their arrogance is their weakest point to strike at, but i wont. haha. im twisting the morals of the stories i guess. im contented in the evil way. (: i finally got it lol. treating them is just like you would treat -some of- your ex(s).. never ever.. do the stuff they expect. show them they aint that impt in your life anymore. for they know nothing. they cant predict it. im freaking wayyyyy calmner then anyone, be it on the outside or inside. and im happy. i feel so .. on top of everything.
makes me wonder. why am I doing this? revenge? or just fulfilling my wish to bring hell to everyone? hahaha. but from what i know, im already over everything. i just chose to stay into this matter.. hm. for what. just to screw everyones' emotions up. bwahaha. maybe im really crazy, maybe i lack brains, maybe im just too cold hearted to give a damn about feelings of other people, but i dont give two hoots abt it. these few years is the rebellious stage of my life. (: to put it bluntly. DEAL WITH IT. sheesh. you think youre the worst off? please. ive seen people getting in much more worse cases than this.
i AM venting all my anger and hate ive gotten these past few years on you ppl. and i doubt im stopping. i cant. sad. bad luck for you people i guess. maybe you owed me something in my past life, or maybe i did. you triggered it. you HAVE to. theres no other choice for you. its your duty. so i can only say, too bad. too bad.
im supposed to be all sad and droopy over this matter. but im not. haha. bev would have been proud of this. yay, im stronger than before le! but in a very very very bad way, i know. but i dont care man, im stronger! hah!
my mistakes last time was to keep on trying to get them to know which is the truth, and ive gotten all sad and scarred from it. this time, ive been wiser. you cant be that stubborn and smush everything into people by force. thats what they always say anyway. haha. ''you are too damn fucking stubborn to be able to survive in the work force.'' maybe they are right! haha. ok then. i change. now i keep the truth to myself. weave your stories for all i care, i wont listen anymore.. for i am the one with the real answers, not them. im the one who went through this. and i only realised it now. IM the trump card. hahaha.. i wont be sad. ill just laugh.
what do you call it, entertainment. (: the dark way.
pardon me for being rebellious, but im just going by nature's way.
hahaha...
i found out smth! blood got the funny blood-ish taste eh? but when you roll it towards the back of your tongue its bitter! dun have the sour-ish taste de. haha. discovered it by chance. probably smth to do with the taste buds. read it somewhere but didnt try it with blood.
was wondering.. what if i continued with my violin lessons..? what if i continued with my fighting lessons..? what will happen to me? zomg, i gave up chances to stand in the spotlight! and here i am, staring daggers at the high heavens. maybe i really deserved this. i simply lack determination to get what i wanted --'' obstacles = end of journey for me. i could be a freaking black belt or violist now sia. hm. correct spelling ma~ zz. then i could walk the corridors of sch with no fear le. maybe even got pride. hah. zz.
also felt so small whenever im talking with my friend. he knows everything can -.- cant stump him. or am i really that dumb? hai. brushing up on my manga/ anime knowledge lol. reading and researching. sian dao lidat, you see!! last time i only depend on friend and trends de -.- but its also nice, i need picts for my siggy. ah well. back to max-ing the volume of jay chou music and random surfing again~
---
mid day was scary -.- got a terrible stomach ache.. then went to sleep. woke up after a super bad nightmare. and you think thats bad. the moment i totally opened my eyes, there they were. yadda yadda yadda.
lesson noted:
never talk to them face to face. its all useless trash talk that they dont mean. want listen jiu catch them off guard. haha.
i was laughing to myself in the bed all the way .. lol. all the lies i spout.. they didnt catch me. all the truths i said, they were using it to weave other stories of their own and slam the crap outta me. so in a bad way, i AM a good liar. wahaha. but its ok. ill maintain my silence. since only i know the truth, only i know the story, it shall stay with me forever. im LAZY to clear up this mess. haha. if you want you can slog over it, but im already walking away from everything. youre clearing the floor for nobody, man. if everything failed, i still would like to keep my successes to myself. oh yes. my thinking worked. i knew my blog still aint safe. hahaha. i knew it. nothing will stop them. their arrogance is their weakest point to strike at, but i wont. haha. im twisting the morals of the stories i guess. im contented in the evil way. (: i finally got it lol. treating them is just like you would treat -some of- your ex(s).. never ever.. do the stuff they expect. show them they aint that impt in your life anymore. for they know nothing. they cant predict it. im freaking wayyyyy calmner then anyone, be it on the outside or inside. and im happy. i feel so .. on top of everything.
makes me wonder. why am I doing this? revenge? or just fulfilling my wish to bring hell to everyone? hahaha. but from what i know, im already over everything. i just chose to stay into this matter.. hm. for what. just to screw everyones' emotions up. bwahaha. maybe im really crazy, maybe i lack brains, maybe im just too cold hearted to give a damn about feelings of other people, but i dont give two hoots abt it. these few years is the rebellious stage of my life. (: to put it bluntly. DEAL WITH IT. sheesh. you think youre the worst off? please. ive seen people getting in much more worse cases than this.
i AM venting all my anger and hate ive gotten these past few years on you ppl. and i doubt im stopping. i cant. sad. bad luck for you people i guess. maybe you owed me something in my past life, or maybe i did. you triggered it. you HAVE to. theres no other choice for you. its your duty. so i can only say, too bad. too bad.
im supposed to be all sad and droopy over this matter. but im not. haha. bev would have been proud of this. yay, im stronger than before le! but in a very very very bad way, i know. but i dont care man, im stronger! hah!
my mistakes last time was to keep on trying to get them to know which is the truth, and ive gotten all sad and scarred from it. this time, ive been wiser. you cant be that stubborn and smush everything into people by force. thats what they always say anyway. haha. ''you are too damn fucking stubborn to be able to survive in the work force.'' maybe they are right! haha. ok then. i change. now i keep the truth to myself. weave your stories for all i care, i wont listen anymore.. for i am the one with the real answers, not them. im the one who went through this. and i only realised it now. IM the trump card. hahaha.. i wont be sad. ill just laugh.
what do you call it, entertainment. (: the dark way.
pardon me for being rebellious, but im just going by nature's way.
hahaha...
Sunday, December 17, 2006
-26-
--
ok,its maple. lawl. ill list info when i first get my soul arrow. which will take weeks. cough -it might be only days if i want to chiong - cough. hah. sniper! bang bang.
btw, i officially suck.
when im not busy, im wandering around, thinking how boring life is. i have no goals or whatever. just a wandering soul. then ill be disgusted at myself.
WHEN im busy, i go around slamming myself FOR letting me forget everything i was supposed to worry about. THEN im disgusted. at myself.
..
wtf is this, shan?!
but for now, ill push everything to the back of my mind ba lol. enjoy life while i still can. next years going to be hell. so..im going to go back to chionging.. just for today.. (:
im cutting myself some slack lol. feel guilty for being so selfish .. but heck, i dont have the energy to care anymore lawl.
--
ok, i cant wait :X getting sick of Paint already. MY PICS LOOK SO $%^& PIXELLATED! 27%, photoshop~ kekeke. finally i got smth to tinker arnd for 30 days..instead of forcing myself to play maple lol~ Its the perfect time to see if i really have designing genes or not :x bwahaha. ill be a full fledged forumner, in which, i still dont know. haha.. Maybe ill find a new game or smth, but i doubt its gunna change these few mths. Audition ahh~ wo de
Reminds me of my maple guild. Shattered. and the Virtuafied Operation. walau.. last time we crap tgt 24/7 de lor.. meetings.. playing.. slacking.. now its deader than dead la. -.-
Makes me really really jealous of those 20+ de. lol. i dont know why, but they are ALWAYS successful in having fun and company in whatever games i play de. Maple saw.. Audi..saw.. every game im in..saw!! they even freaking met up during events or go kopitiams la -.- sad can. took photos. hah. im dripping with bitterness and jealousy again lol. will i really become like them when i reach that age? if so.. SOMEONE INVENT TIME MACHINE CAN!?!?!
dying of hunger. but when i ate.. i felt even more hungry lol. heng i managed to force myself to stay on my chair. if not ..these few days..wasted. bleh. these kinda stuff.. cannot turn back de ><
back on topic.. cant keep on steering it away from my mind lol. i think..basically.. its just a matter of realism and fantasy. pick one and tadaa, you will be meeting a new ending. or beginning. damn. -.- its still not bringing me anywhere actually. i want to reside in fantasy, but i know that reality will pull everyone out sooner or later. so its the same sticky end. zz. if only fantasy is the new reality. i always get the feeling that the stupid answer to my question is already right in front of me.. but i cant see it.
maybe its in my dreams... haha. storyline of my dreams change le. still bloody, but .. i suddenly realised smth more lol. i didnt have a family in those dreams. i knew everything i wanted to learn in real life.. yadda yadda.. my friends were all there..its like almost everyone i know was there lol. and the leads were there.. stabbing and slashing away. then the weird thing comes lol. everytime the person lands the killing blow.. always got ppl take blow for me. -.- wtf. wan die in dreams also cannot. ..... summore that sway person and i .. not close at all de .. tho we're related -.- damn his face T-T triggers so much memories.. of all ppl summore. zz. creep.
i deciphered the dreams liao. finally. but ill be keeping it to myself. haha. too sad an affair to share. hai.
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