-17-

-updated-

im irritated -.- oh yes i am. TMD. wtf sia. whats wrong with playing? >_> not as if ..even if i wanted to say those mushy crap.. which i wont.. i cant even say it with the whole family pressing their faces against the stupid screen lah.
i know my limits can -.-

i. learnt. it. the. hard. way.

of course i wont repeat my mistakes -.- but asking me to cut off ties with like almost 70% of my friendship links is impossible. WHATS WRONG WITH STAYING IN TOUCH?! -___-"""

well u said u trust my words of repentance >_> then why are these happening? why why why why why? im filled with questions -.-

i know what im doing le... hai.

feeling suicidal again ~ freaked josh out with my words i guess ~ see the disadvantages of living in a place where u see high flats everywhere? wahaha. this is not supposed to happen during my favourite holiday la..

everything seems screwed up to me liao -.-

-updates-
hmmm. Pondered again. haha~ too much spare time~ cant blame~
its quite disheartening actually, to see myself dropping down into this state after putting so much effort in trying to lighten up these few days.
cant help it.

was wondering.. why did i bother being happy? i wasnt during sec1, i wasnt during sec2, i wasnt during sec3, why should i change for next year.. or even.. now? if thats the way i am, maybe i should just accept it.. im just a lousy ,emotional, little.. kid. wahaha.

maybe i wanted to hit back. tell my parents that whatever they say wont affect me for long. ill get over it. or maybe i wanted all these crap to stop. my basic instinct was telling me to just sit out at a corner and rot the days away for this whole week. but i didnt, to an extent that is. sad.

feel so me again. lol. and even more. haha, thats for the guy who labelled me as a sadist. wotcha.

but its also not pure misfortune that it happened. at least i found people who can accept it, people who stuck by me, even found a new friend/counsellor. maybe its cuz of all this that i still cant understand their words. how bad will it feel to be rejected? im already a pro at this. lol. how many years of practice already.. 9 ..? can things get worse than they are now?

being shunned is already part of my life. not a problem. (:

miss the seaside. miss the air outside. lol. havent went to a place where i can stone alone, with no danger of being kidnapped, robbed and etc etc etc. kinda risky. for its also the ultimate place to forfeit this game of survival~ which i didnt even want to take part in the first place.

alot of people have been asking me ..whats my birthday wish~ what do i want. ill always give the classic reply. i want nothing. lol. ..ok la. i admit i was lying through my teeth. lol. but my wishes will never come true, so i didnt even bother telling anyone. feel like spilling em out now tho. haha. see how lame my wishes are.
1] to have magic. so i can erase any mistake... .. or be able to carry on with my mistake. (:
2] to be in the spotlight. for once. -i even dreamt of it, but it turned ugly. oh the horror. blood.-
3] to control this world. change it. twist everyones' minds. turn this Earth RPG style~

yeh. you make it come true and i worship you as god le. im 90% virtual. i have no life. wotcha to that guy again.
hm. am starting to love this blog dearly. i can rant without worrying about people getting bored. keke.

am going to find a new place to lose myself in. home's out. school's out. ..hell. ive nowhere else to go. regret not taking up the offer to go lan. but its the right choice la. i mean.. its not fun when two ppl goes into the lan shop and plays diff games. one shoots people's heads off while the other dances. wtf?

these few weeks will be quite a challenge. bev's away~ josh's in china~ semi~ i dun dare talk to him again le~ ken's dead somewhere~ auditioning is sick when you solo~ same for maple~ same for gunbound~ same for pangya~ same for trickster~ i cant go on msn and talk to anyone related to that issue from today onwards~ same for any game~ my phone is monitored~ cant call, cant recieve calls~ cant message~ cant recieve messages~

bottom line: ive only this website to rely on for these 3 wks. along with a puny tagboard. roar. reminds me of MCR de songs.. lol.

-i am not afraid to keep on living , im not afraid to walk this world alone..
..if i say thats what im thinking now then im lying. i admit ~ im feeling very very very insecure.. worried.. about being all on my own. can i still do it? no. no.. no...

if i could lug my teddy bears to school i would. bury myself in them and disappear from the world. i could. just leave everything and go. but.. too bad. there are quite abit of stuff that i still cant bear to put down. the moment i get over them.. means~ i can leave in peace le. :D joy. to say the truth.. these few ppl. really made a big impact in my lives. spanning from sec2~now. hm. not gunna name them.. tho two are adults, and the rest are of my age range. (: 5 of my age~ 1 older~ one 19~ keke. two handfuls.

the moment i get over them = ultimate bliss~ for the rest of my other life~ i guess.

-16-

-updated-

got a bad nightmare >_> nearly woke up screaming my head off. hell, even sleep dont wanna let me off these days.

waiting for friday~ can go out with bev~ keke. and yea. thats about it. im still trapped in my daily routine of playing com, quarreling , sleeping, and waking up again.

update:
mum is finally off, can blog with details in peace for abt..10mins or so. these few days of irregular meals has finally taken a toll on me. lol. hai .. finally succumbed to panadol in the end. but at least. i slimmed down.. hah?
worried ah worried.. >< um.. really hope that these few days.. nth much will happen ah. let parents cool down first.. hai. theres alot to do.. planning and talking. kek. and the day's coming~
cant wait.
haha~
finally a good twist in this sad situation.

-15-

Talked to semi ytd, on midnight or something. Told me a story about a boy, his cher and some grass thingy.

One day a boy told his cher that he felt useless.
Then his cher brought him to a field full of dandelions.
He told he boy to only walk straight, and pick the nicest looking one.
The boy walked straight, and saw a pretty one.
He thought that there might be a better looking dandelion,and kept on walking.
In the end, he found out that he reached the end..
With no other routes to take.

was quite blown away. lol. moral of the story: be contented with what you have. be contented that i can have such a happy time tgt ..but when it ends and you have to pay the price, you have to do it. not with pain and sadness. but.. yea. the opposite. i dunno if i can or not. lol. but ill try~

Im still quite.. tortured over here..lol. have to stick 24/7 to the com if i want to talk. cant do anything. feel useless. -refers to story- argh. trying to stay as positive as i can be le.. but sometimes my emotion still takes over. then i get scolded for crying over it. how the hell am i gunna let out my frustration then? im already doing my best to convert my thinking..but it takes time and A LOT of effort de wad.

i understand that i cant stick to anyone 24/7 and treat him/her as a replacement. hell no, even if i wanted to. its just not the same. lol.

i have to rely on myself this time round.. problem is.. i dont know how.

-13-

-UPDATED-

Now I know that I cant make you stay

But where's your heart?

But where's your heart?

But where's your...

And I know there's nothing I could say

To change that part

To change that part

To change...

So many bright lights they cast a shadow

But can I speak

Well, is it hard understanding?

I'm incomplete

A life that's so demanding I get so weak

A love that's so demanding I can't speak

I am not afraid to keep on living

I am not afraid to walk this world alone

Honey, if you stay, I'll be forgiven

Nothing you can say can stop me going home

Can you see my eyes are shining bright

'Cause i'm out here on the other side

Of a jet black hotel mirror

And I'm so weak

Is it hard understanding

I'm incomplete

A love that's so demanding

I get weak

These bright lights are always blinding to me

I say I see you lying next to me with words

I thought I'd never speak

Awake and unafraid, asleep or dead

Famous last words, by MyChemicalRomance! :D can loop this for hours. Went to buy books with sot tdy, saw her wearing minis. feh. not bad wad. last time still treat short pants like germs lidat.

Minette joseph and ho jia hui~ xie xie for the birthday gift~ tyty~ keke.

-ill update later, running late for meeting-

-updating at night:
This is worse than burning in hell la ><>_> that is..hard. plus theres almost 0% chance of communicating.. .. . . ... .
i miss my hugs TT

-13-

Today was traumatising. Felt like shit when i woke up. Felt like shit when i played the com. Felt like shit when i heard my mum complaining. Felt.. horribly guilty at dinner tho. lol. lucky i blinked like siao >_> cant let her see. She made the first move again... everytime i hurt her ,shes the first to at least try and reconcile with me.

feh.

controlled like siao.

but still gave up in the end.

lol.