-17-

-updated-

im irritated -.- oh yes i am. TMD. wtf sia. whats wrong with playing? >_> not as if ..even if i wanted to say those mushy crap.. which i wont.. i cant even say it with the whole family pressing their faces against the stupid screen lah.
i know my limits can -.-

i. learnt. it. the. hard. way.

of course i wont repeat my mistakes -.- but asking me to cut off ties with like almost 70% of my friendship links is impossible. WHATS WRONG WITH STAYING IN TOUCH?! -___-"""

well u said u trust my words of repentance >_> then why are these happening? why why why why why? im filled with questions -.-

i know what im doing le... hai.

feeling suicidal again ~ freaked josh out with my words i guess ~ see the disadvantages of living in a place where u see high flats everywhere? wahaha. this is not supposed to happen during my favourite holiday la..

everything seems screwed up to me liao -.-

-updates-
hmmm. Pondered again. haha~ too much spare time~ cant blame~
its quite disheartening actually, to see myself dropping down into this state after putting so much effort in trying to lighten up these few days.
cant help it.

was wondering.. why did i bother being happy? i wasnt during sec1, i wasnt during sec2, i wasnt during sec3, why should i change for next year.. or even.. now? if thats the way i am, maybe i should just accept it.. im just a lousy ,emotional, little.. kid. wahaha.

maybe i wanted to hit back. tell my parents that whatever they say wont affect me for long. ill get over it. or maybe i wanted all these crap to stop. my basic instinct was telling me to just sit out at a corner and rot the days away for this whole week. but i didnt, to an extent that is. sad.

feel so me again. lol. and even more. haha, thats for the guy who labelled me as a sadist. wotcha.

but its also not pure misfortune that it happened. at least i found people who can accept it, people who stuck by me, even found a new friend/counsellor. maybe its cuz of all this that i still cant understand their words. how bad will it feel to be rejected? im already a pro at this. lol. how many years of practice already.. 9 ..? can things get worse than they are now?

being shunned is already part of my life. not a problem. (:

miss the seaside. miss the air outside. lol. havent went to a place where i can stone alone, with no danger of being kidnapped, robbed and etc etc etc. kinda risky. for its also the ultimate place to forfeit this game of survival~ which i didnt even want to take part in the first place.

alot of people have been asking me ..whats my birthday wish~ what do i want. ill always give the classic reply. i want nothing. lol. ..ok la. i admit i was lying through my teeth. lol. but my wishes will never come true, so i didnt even bother telling anyone. feel like spilling em out now tho. haha. see how lame my wishes are.
1] to have magic. so i can erase any mistake... .. or be able to carry on with my mistake. (:
2] to be in the spotlight. for once. -i even dreamt of it, but it turned ugly. oh the horror. blood.-
3] to control this world. change it. twist everyones' minds. turn this Earth RPG style~

yeh. you make it come true and i worship you as god le. im 90% virtual. i have no life. wotcha to that guy again.
hm. am starting to love this blog dearly. i can rant without worrying about people getting bored. keke.

am going to find a new place to lose myself in. home's out. school's out. ..hell. ive nowhere else to go. regret not taking up the offer to go lan. but its the right choice la. i mean.. its not fun when two ppl goes into the lan shop and plays diff games. one shoots people's heads off while the other dances. wtf?

these few weeks will be quite a challenge. bev's away~ josh's in china~ semi~ i dun dare talk to him again le~ ken's dead somewhere~ auditioning is sick when you solo~ same for maple~ same for gunbound~ same for pangya~ same for trickster~ i cant go on msn and talk to anyone related to that issue from today onwards~ same for any game~ my phone is monitored~ cant call, cant recieve calls~ cant message~ cant recieve messages~

bottom line: ive only this website to rely on for these 3 wks. along with a puny tagboard. roar. reminds me of MCR de songs.. lol.

-i am not afraid to keep on living , im not afraid to walk this world alone..
..if i say thats what im thinking now then im lying. i admit ~ im feeling very very very insecure.. worried.. about being all on my own. can i still do it? no. no.. no...

if i could lug my teddy bears to school i would. bury myself in them and disappear from the world. i could. just leave everything and go. but.. too bad. there are quite abit of stuff that i still cant bear to put down. the moment i get over them.. means~ i can leave in peace le. :D joy. to say the truth.. these few ppl. really made a big impact in my lives. spanning from sec2~now. hm. not gunna name them.. tho two are adults, and the rest are of my age range. (: 5 of my age~ 1 older~ one 19~ keke. two handfuls.

the moment i get over them = ultimate bliss~ for the rest of my other life~ i guess.