-18-

is heaven playing a joke on me -.-

my grandpa is dead.. today. more accurately, 10dec, 6pm or so. died in pain i guess. no breath. struggled. but. failed. heard that my aunt was sobbing her eyes out there. lol. im still in state of shock sia. didnt know his death can affect me so much. ive only seen him.. once or twice these two years. but hearing my aunts de distress on the phone ah.. i really duno what to do ah. ive never seen or heard them lose their cool.
my mum rushed out .. as in really rush sia. ran. threw the lock down and told me to lock door. i dont understand. really dont.
after hearing their stories on how bad my grandpa was to them..how bitter they were.. and now.. they are grieving. for his death. maybe i cant feel it. i still havent went through this situation. but im sad too. weird. why should i be sad.. after how he treated everyone. but i guess.. i cant judge a person by stories solely. we are..afterall.. related by blood. im his grand-daughter and nothing can change that.

rest in peace..

feel like tearing up everything le.. what is this compared to their suffering? feel bad. i was and AM still part of her burden. and now another has fallen on her shoulders. lol. the irony. ive just finished drawing my last work, wanted to end it all. Then mint's msg popped up. wow. got invitations to go out.. was so happy. finally. can go out and relax, cheep up, have fun. im not forgotten. whoopee.

then. the calls came. the news broke out.

now i cant go out anymore. and dont want to.

now im back to my sad old self. again.

......

whoevers in charge of my fate should run to the highest building and fcking jump down for all i care la. if you want then lemme be miserable!! dont make me go up and down the emotional roller coaster ride! what~ whadaya treat me as?! some kinda main lead of a disastrous soap opera?! i hate this. its NOT fun.

i know everyone has a sad story to tell. but mine seems more bitter and angry than sad -.- hell. i cant say this. there are people worse than me and i saw them. ah. im not the worst off. and .. here i am, feeling relieved that im still lucky enough to escape the bunch of people in the extreme bottom end of life. im sick -.- sick sick sick.

im going ..crazy soon le la. too much for me to handle. i dont want to attend any wakes or funerals. whatever. i dont want to leave this house. i dont wanna face the truth.

getting more and more agitated liao -.- lol. nowadays i slap instead of patting them. snap back instead of staying quiet. getting paranoid. when i hear voices in my head.. ill always walk to my door. righto. they are talking abt me. when i dont hear voices in my head, ill still walk over . woot. still talking abt me. reduced to maximising the volume of my music and staring at the desk. gimme a break la pls.

dreading tomorrow. really. have to go all the way to make my ic.

yay. i love my life.

-last min update:
have a feeling that this is just the tip of the iceberg. it cant be purely revenge. i sense betrayal. from a person whom ive trusted deeply. hm. going by the new info now, my theory about the issue should be utter rubbish. but~ ah well~ as long as his cleared im fine~ lalala~ but whatever that was about~ im angry. very. if my new suspicions are correct~ then .. i think im gunna explode. kek. but if they are wrong~ ..im still going to explode. -.- zz. too much loopholes.. being a detective sucks. i cant piece it together. its irritating.